Damn you and your signs. Also, your incredibly thoughtful/insightful list text messages (thank you).
The dentist went...as dentists do.
I was scheduled for a two part visit; x-rays/cleaning, and then consultation/treatment plan. Only half of those things were accomplished.
For some nonsense insurance reasons (that I failed to listen to), I cannot do two things on the same day at the dentist. So thing one, x-rays/cleaning was completed today, and I'm forced to go back in two weeks for the second half, consultation/treatment plan. (Insert look of intense displeasure here.)
The woman who cleaned my teeth was super nice.
She took a million x-rays and confirmed that I had some cavities. (Or at least, that's what I took away from our conversation. Who knows what she really may have told me, I was just waiting for her to start ripping out my teeth.) We were unable to determine where my previous fillings may have been, though we both had our suspicions, and she told me my teeth are not chipped up or generally destroyed as I (still) rather firmly believe. She also said my teeth look amazing for not having been to the dentist in more than a decade, and that the 'cavity' in my front tooth probably isn't a cavity at all. She may have actually said that it definitely isn't a cavity, but I remain unconvinced and refuse to remember her saying any such nonsense.
I have yet to check to see if the spot remains post-cleaning. Mostly because I'm stubborn. But also, because I am lazy.
She numbed up my all my gums (without needles!), and because I can't hold still to save my life, also my lips and tongue before she started cleaning my teeth. This was probably due to my insane ramblings with the receptionist about my fears regarding tooth harvesting and/or my mouth shattering. At any rate, I appreciated it, and I didn't feel a damn thing.
I had, however, forgotten how much I loathe having a numb tongue.
It is a lot.
I loathe it a lot.
I thought of you and your severed hamburger tongue while trying to talk with mine all drugged up on anesthetic. How you willed yourself through that I will never know. Just the thought of trying to eat with my tongue feeling all drunk and alien makes me suicidal.
Anywho, my teeth were clean in no time. None of them shattered, and all of them remained in my mouth. However, I did not have my consultation with the dentist yet, so there is still time for things to go awry.
I also got a goodie bag from the dentist, which I did not open until I got home. Everything inside of it is purple, which is witchcraft, and I just KNOW you're going to say is a sign. Damn you. Damn you all the days.
You and your signs.
All my love,
A still toothed LittleFoot.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Dentist
(Totally glossing over my 3 week absence...)
Today, (in the midst of what has to be the darkest week of my life) I was standing the bathroom at work, staring (as I often do) at the cavity forming on the back of one of my teeth.
My teeth are a source of great stress for me.
I've never really taken very good care of them. I brush much less than I should, and with a lazy half-assed sort of attitude. I grind my teeth continually. All day. All night. I clench my jaw shut as tight as possible when I'm scared or stressed or angry or trying to concentrate. I chew on hard objects nearly every minute of every day. It's usually the usual suspects: my nails, pens, pencils, paperclips. But also other things like marbles or rocks, though I actively try not to do that these days. As a result my teeth are all chipped up, fractured, worn down, and generally abused.
Add to this the fact that the fallout from one of the spiteful and dramatic fights I so often had with my dear, sweet, father sometime in early 2000, was a solemn vow that I would never, ever go to the dentist again. The details of this fight, and what precipitated it, are lost to time, but it is one of the few fights that both my dad and I viscerally remember. It was epic, in both scale and magnitude. And true to form, I have not been to the dentist since.
Now, the cavity in my tooth is not news to me. It is totally and completely painless, but I have been aware of it for at least eight months now. I stare at it from time to time, trying to discern if it is getting bigger, or trying to guess how long I have until it finally starts to hurt.
Today however, for whatever terrible reason, I decided to do something about it.
Before I knew what had happened I had made a series of phone calls, and set up an appointment.
For tomorrow.
No good can come of this.
Currently I am convinced this can either go one of two ways:
1. I go to the dentist and he pulls out all of my teeth and puts them into other peoples mouths.
2. I go to the dentist and my teeth all shatter like glass the second a dental tool touches them.
Either way, the outlook isn't good.
I miss you terribly Dear Friend. In case you've somehow missed that. Particularly right now, when life (without rhyme or reason) seems so dark and desperate. I wish you were here. Sending all my love.
Today, (in the midst of what has to be the darkest week of my life) I was standing the bathroom at work, staring (as I often do) at the cavity forming on the back of one of my teeth.
My teeth are a source of great stress for me.
I've never really taken very good care of them. I brush much less than I should, and with a lazy half-assed sort of attitude. I grind my teeth continually. All day. All night. I clench my jaw shut as tight as possible when I'm scared or stressed or angry or trying to concentrate. I chew on hard objects nearly every minute of every day. It's usually the usual suspects: my nails, pens, pencils, paperclips. But also other things like marbles or rocks, though I actively try not to do that these days. As a result my teeth are all chipped up, fractured, worn down, and generally abused.
Add to this the fact that the fallout from one of the spiteful and dramatic fights I so often had with my dear, sweet, father sometime in early 2000, was a solemn vow that I would never, ever go to the dentist again. The details of this fight, and what precipitated it, are lost to time, but it is one of the few fights that both my dad and I viscerally remember. It was epic, in both scale and magnitude. And true to form, I have not been to the dentist since.
Now, the cavity in my tooth is not news to me. It is totally and completely painless, but I have been aware of it for at least eight months now. I stare at it from time to time, trying to discern if it is getting bigger, or trying to guess how long I have until it finally starts to hurt.
Today however, for whatever terrible reason, I decided to do something about it.
Before I knew what had happened I had made a series of phone calls, and set up an appointment.
For tomorrow.
No good can come of this.
Currently I am convinced this can either go one of two ways:
1. I go to the dentist and he pulls out all of my teeth and puts them into other peoples mouths.
2. I go to the dentist and my teeth all shatter like glass the second a dental tool touches them.
Either way, the outlook isn't good.
I miss you terribly Dear Friend. In case you've somehow missed that. Particularly right now, when life (without rhyme or reason) seems so dark and desperate. I wish you were here. Sending all my love.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Drunk.
Today, at 9:38 this morning, while I was shopping for my groceries, my dad called from an ambulance.
Some jerk, drunk as a skunk at 9 am on a Sunday morning, blew through a red light and very nearly killed my daddy.
Somehow Dad walked away from it. Black and blue from the seat belt and the airbag, and only slightly cut up. His new truck is beyond repair. Dad, as usual, was totally stoic and calm.
I hope with everything I have to hope with that the other guy is seriously injured, that this ruins his career, tears apart his family, and leaves his life in tatters. That probably makes me a bad person, but really, I'm okay with that.
People shouldn't be able to hurt my dad. That should be somehow against the rules.
I wrote a much longer, and far more eloquent post on the subject earlier, but decided against posting it. I'm still not sure why. But this one seems appropriate somehow.
The day took the wind out of me. I'm emotionally exhausted and I've spent the whole of the day sleeping on the couch. I just woke up, all I intend to do is move from the couch to my bed, and continue sleeping.
I hope dad sleeps okay tonight. I hope that he's not in too much pain tomorrow.
And that, Dear Friend, is all I know.
Some jerk, drunk as a skunk at 9 am on a Sunday morning, blew through a red light and very nearly killed my daddy.
Somehow Dad walked away from it. Black and blue from the seat belt and the airbag, and only slightly cut up. His new truck is beyond repair. Dad, as usual, was totally stoic and calm.
I hope with everything I have to hope with that the other guy is seriously injured, that this ruins his career, tears apart his family, and leaves his life in tatters. That probably makes me a bad person, but really, I'm okay with that.
People shouldn't be able to hurt my dad. That should be somehow against the rules.
I wrote a much longer, and far more eloquent post on the subject earlier, but decided against posting it. I'm still not sure why. But this one seems appropriate somehow.
The day took the wind out of me. I'm emotionally exhausted and I've spent the whole of the day sleeping on the couch. I just woke up, all I intend to do is move from the couch to my bed, and continue sleeping.
I hope dad sleeps okay tonight. I hope that he's not in too much pain tomorrow.
And that, Dear Friend, is all I know.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Song of the Day
God I love Ani. This one is one of my favorites. This whole album is one of my favorites. One of my many, many favorites. Because lets face it, I love pretty much everything the woman has ever done. :P
I'm just a sucker for a good song. All sorts of them. All the days.
two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say
except fuck you...
I'm just a sucker for a good song. All sorts of them. All the days.
two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say
except fuck you...
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Song of the Day
I've had this song on a loop for days and days. A continuous, back to back kind of a loop that consumes all of my free time. Not the casual, several times a day kind of loop, but the serious, I don't want to hear anything but this song sort of thing.
This whole album is kind of emotionally loaded for me, in a way that I never really think about until I somehow remember I own it every couple of years and dredge up all sorts of strange and half forgotten memories. Memories from before SWSNBN, and the napalming of the majority of my 20's.
Of all Eminem's songs, this one is probably my favorite. Or at least the one I'm most obsessive about listening to.
I'm a soldier, these shoulders hold up so much
They won't budge, I'll never fall or fold up
I'm a soldier, even if my collar bone's crush or crumble
I will never slip or stumble
I'm a soldier, these shoulder's hold up so much
They won't budge, I'll never fall or fold up
I'm a soldier, even if my collar bone's crush or crumble
I will never stumble
This whole album is kind of emotionally loaded for me, in a way that I never really think about until I somehow remember I own it every couple of years and dredge up all sorts of strange and half forgotten memories. Memories from before SWSNBN, and the napalming of the majority of my 20's.
Of all Eminem's songs, this one is probably my favorite. Or at least the one I'm most obsessive about listening to.
I'm a soldier, these shoulders hold up so much
They won't budge, I'll never fall or fold up
I'm a soldier, even if my collar bone's crush or crumble
I will never slip or stumble
I'm a soldier, these shoulder's hold up so much
They won't budge, I'll never fall or fold up
I'm a soldier, even if my collar bone's crush or crumble
I will never stumble
The Crux.
So here it is, the crux of my problem: (or at least, the current crux, or possibly only what I believe to be the current crux, but is actually not a crux at all, or possibly something else altogether, who knows.)
I'm having trouble moving in time and space.
I feel like I've spent so long, so, so, soooooo long standing still, so many long, meaningless years, that I didn't know how to start moving again. This time last year, when I gave myself my life back again, I just sort of sprinted out of the gates without any sort of direction. Everything just felt like up, and so I ran with it. But now, now I look back on all those years of hemorrhaged time and realize that I gave up so many wonderful things, and among them was my ability to move forward meaningfully.
How do I get from here to anywhere else?
What if I just keep spinning here? Treading water? Forever?
That's what I can't sort out.
All of the other things, feeling alien, like there isn't space for people like me, people like us, in this world, is just the result of trying to grapple with the physics of it all. I'm stuck in some sort of whirlpool. I battle and battle and battle, but no matter how hard I work, I still feel like I'm circling the same place.
Maybe this is the underlying theme of everyone's late 20's. The post-college melt-down, or some such nonsense. Maybe I just don't interact enough with other people to notice that we're all fighting the same battles. Or maybe it's just me, spinning gleefully in circles, unable to determine how to get to the next phase.
I've spent all day thinking about it, and that's as far as I've gotten.
For whatever it's worth.
Today was a challenging day. I was frustrated and irritable and at times downright pissed off. The sad part is, that I feel like I got more accomplished today that I have all month. I hate that anger is such a productive force with me, it's like the whole world sees Hurricane LittleFoot coming and just starts getting shit done in the hopes that it won't level their houses. I don't know how I feel about that, but I like that a great many issues got resolved today.
Until next time,
All my love.
I'm having trouble moving in time and space.
I feel like I've spent so long, so, so, soooooo long standing still, so many long, meaningless years, that I didn't know how to start moving again. This time last year, when I gave myself my life back again, I just sort of sprinted out of the gates without any sort of direction. Everything just felt like up, and so I ran with it. But now, now I look back on all those years of hemorrhaged time and realize that I gave up so many wonderful things, and among them was my ability to move forward meaningfully.
How do I get from here to anywhere else?
What if I just keep spinning here? Treading water? Forever?
That's what I can't sort out.
All of the other things, feeling alien, like there isn't space for people like me, people like us, in this world, is just the result of trying to grapple with the physics of it all. I'm stuck in some sort of whirlpool. I battle and battle and battle, but no matter how hard I work, I still feel like I'm circling the same place.
Maybe this is the underlying theme of everyone's late 20's. The post-college melt-down, or some such nonsense. Maybe I just don't interact enough with other people to notice that we're all fighting the same battles. Or maybe it's just me, spinning gleefully in circles, unable to determine how to get to the next phase.
I've spent all day thinking about it, and that's as far as I've gotten.
For whatever it's worth.
Today was a challenging day. I was frustrated and irritable and at times downright pissed off. The sad part is, that I feel like I got more accomplished today that I have all month. I hate that anger is such a productive force with me, it's like the whole world sees Hurricane LittleFoot coming and just starts getting shit done in the hopes that it won't level their houses. I don't know how I feel about that, but I like that a great many issues got resolved today.
Until next time,
All my love.
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