A General Lack Of Focus

I keep starting these entries, and then failing to finish them. It's a terrible habit and I am, as of this moment, doing everything in my habit to rectify it.

I am however, continually distracted by all the things that need to get done around these parts, but that I am so desperately uninterested in doing.

The house needs to be cleaned, though this task has begun to feel like an endless loop of me cleaning it, and then awaking to find it somehow mysteriously messy again. The carpets need (desperately) to be shampooed again, but again, this seems like a futile task, as I am perpetually doing it, and yet it remains perpetually gross. (In an ideal world, carpet would be non-existent and thus I would not have to struggle with keeping it sanitary.) I need to clean out the fish tanks, which is actually an endless loop, as by the time I get them all clean and the water parameters where I want them I have to start the process again. I need to write a resume. I need to start applying for new/better/grown-up jobs...the list goes on.

Instead I just sort of flutter around half-doing all of these things, leaving me feeling that all of my hard work has been resolutely sub-par. Which is depressingly accurate.

I've been keeping myself distracted with a variety of things. My dad is partially at fault, since he procured the first five seasons of Big Bang Theory for me. TV is the devil and I've worked hard to avoid it, but some things cannot be avoided. I already own the series, and I can't help but love it. I've started reading compulsively, but again, like most things in my life right now, I find myself loosing interest around the half way point. I can't seem to focus on anything long-term.

I joined a hiking group recently, during an overly ambitious social streak. I attended a meeting, which went well since it was happy hour and could nurse a margarita to keep the anxiety at bay. I went on my first hike with the group this weekend, which started out poorly... I'll go into that in the next post.

Anyway, I've thrown myself full-force into hiking, I think as a distraction from the upcoming decisions I know I'm going to have to make. The first is actually applying for new jobs, which while I want this (desperately) in theory, I also LOATHE change, something which we've discussed at length, I know.

And the second, that I have to decide whether to renew my lease or not. I love my apartment, like, a lot, but I also miss moving every year, if for no other reason than I could just abandon my apartment every time I felt the carpet got too dirty. (And yes, my fear of dirty carpet trumps my fear of change, hands down.) Having been here for 3 years now, it's pretty gross, despite my regular attempts at cleaning it. Did you know apartment carpet only has a life expectancy of five years? It's the truth. I found this out when I switched apartments here and was told they pro-rate the cost of replacing the carpet on any given apartment based on how close it is to the five year replacement mark. My carpet was not new when I moved in. It is well past its life expectancy and it mocks me with its continued existence. On the other hand, I have soooooooo much stuff. So much. And so much heavy stuff at that. The fish tanks alone....ugh.

Even if I don't move, I have some serious de-cluttering to do. The nice thing about moving continually is that it forces you to really evaluate what's worth the energy expenditure of packing/moving/un-packing and helps to keep a home clutter free. I've been nesting here for ages, and as expected, I've accumulated too much stuff.

Instead of actually dealing with either of these things, I've been keeping myself busy, sore, and physically active in the hopes of discouraging me from having to make any sort of decisions that might necessitate any sort of minute change to my life. It is not productive, but it is fun.

And that, I believe, is all I know.
Or at least, all I can think of.

As always I miss your face terribly. More than terribly, really, but that's neither here nor there. I'll be seeing you soon and I suppose THAT'S what matters.

Until then,
All my love,
LittleFoot.