Dentist

(Totally glossing over my 3 week absence...)


Today, (in the midst of what has to be the darkest week of my life) I was standing the bathroom at work, staring (as I often do) at the cavity forming on the back of one of my teeth.

My teeth are a source of great stress for me.

I've never really taken very good care of them. I brush much less than I should, and with a lazy half-assed sort of attitude. I grind my teeth continually. All day. All night. I clench my jaw shut as tight as possible when I'm scared or stressed or angry or trying to concentrate. I chew on hard objects nearly every minute of every day. It's usually the usual suspects: my nails, pens, pencils, paperclips. But also other things like marbles or rocks, though I actively try not to do that these days. As a result my teeth are all chipped up, fractured, worn down, and generally abused.

Add to this the fact that the fallout from one of the spiteful and dramatic fights I so often had with my dear, sweet, father sometime in early 2000, was a solemn vow that I would never, ever go to the dentist again. The details of this fight, and what precipitated it, are lost to time, but it is one of the few fights that both my dad and I viscerally remember. It was epic, in both scale and magnitude. And true to form, I have not been to the dentist since.

Now, the cavity in my tooth is not news to me. It is totally and completely painless, but I have been aware of it for at least eight months now. I stare at it from time to time, trying to discern if it is getting bigger, or trying to guess how long I have until it finally starts to hurt.

Today however, for whatever terrible reason, I decided to do something about it.

Before I knew what had happened I had made a series of phone calls, and set up an appointment.

For tomorrow.

No good can come of this.

Currently I am convinced this can either go one of two ways:
1. I go to the dentist and he pulls out all of my teeth and puts them into other peoples mouths.
2. I go to the dentist and my teeth all shatter like glass the second a dental tool touches them.

Either way, the outlook isn't good.

I miss you terribly Dear Friend. In case you've somehow missed that. Particularly right now, when life (without rhyme or reason) seems so dark and desperate. I wish you were here. Sending all my love.