Some days.

You know Dear Friend, yesterday was bad. I spent the overwhelming majority of my shift dealing with issues that were neither my fault or my responsibility because there is simply no one else to handle them. I stayed an hour and a half over late and still got only a very small portion of my work done. Then I went home both exhausted and frustrated.

I came in this morning looking forward to a day that couldn't possibly be any worse, and then somehow it was.

So
Much
Worse

In ways I had both neither anticipated or prepared for.

In fact by noon I was so far away from okay that it would take the light from okay 40,000 years to reach the desolate place I was trapped in.

I spent the first seven hours of my shift dealing with the biggest mess I could have imagined. Worst case scenario kind of mess. It took all day. And whats more, it took all day because I am neither equipped or qualified to make any of the decisions needed to resolve it. It was soul crushing and terrible and I spent much of the day weeping out of stress and frustration at my desk while trying to untangle the disaster. I made approximately seven million phone calls. I did the very best I could, which was by no means good enough, and for the second day in a row I did only a very very very small amount of the actual work I am paid for.

I'm broken and a little jaded. I spent a long time today chastising myself for working so hard at everything. For needing to do everything well. For caring so damn much about all of the menial things that I need to get done every day. I sat around for a while feeling sorry for my self. Knowing that I put myself into these situations. Knowing that I inevitably work too hard and get taken advantage of, then sit bewildered at how it has managed to happen again.

My dad always told me to work hard, to do my best and that I would be rewarded for it. That's not really true though. If I were smart I would work exactly as hard as everyone else and not any harder. I would walk away from things that don't fall neatly into my job description. And more than that, I would learn to not worry about any of it.

I don't work that way though. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. And on days like today that drives me nuts.

I survived though.
I did what I could.
I came home.
And the world kept spinning.

At least tomorrow can't be any worse.

And if it is, then you know...it's probably a sign from the universe that I need to quit my job.


I hope your day was better than mine. It couldn't have been much worse (I hope). I miss you terribly and I hope you come home again soon. Lots of love.