So here it is, the crux of my problem: (or at least, the current crux, or possibly only what I believe to be the current crux, but is actually not a crux at all, or possibly something else altogether, who knows.)
I'm having trouble moving in time and space.
I feel like I've spent so long, so, so, soooooo long standing still, so many long, meaningless years, that I didn't know how to start moving again. This time last year, when I gave myself my life back again, I just sort of sprinted out of the gates without any sort of direction. Everything just felt like up, and so I ran with it. But now, now I look back on all those years of hemorrhaged time and realize that I gave up so many wonderful things, and among them was my ability to move forward meaningfully.
How do I get from here to anywhere else?
What if I just keep spinning here? Treading water? Forever?
That's what I can't sort out.
All of the other things, feeling alien, like there isn't space for people like me, people like us, in this world, is just the result of trying to grapple with the physics of it all. I'm stuck in some sort of whirlpool. I battle and battle and battle, but no matter how hard I work, I still feel like I'm circling the same place.
Maybe this is the underlying theme of everyone's late 20's. The post-college melt-down, or some such nonsense. Maybe I just don't interact enough with other people to notice that we're all fighting the same battles. Or maybe it's just me, spinning gleefully in circles, unable to determine how to get to the next phase.
I've spent all day thinking about it, and that's as far as I've gotten.
For whatever it's worth.
Today was a challenging day. I was frustrated and irritable and at times downright pissed off. The sad part is, that I feel like I got more accomplished today that I have all month. I hate that anger is such a productive force with me, it's like the whole world sees Hurricane LittleFoot coming and just starts getting shit done in the hopes that it won't level their houses. I don't know how I feel about that, but I like that a great many issues got resolved today.
Until next time,
All my love.
I hadn't read this last night, but was drafting a post that said more or less the same thing. I feel like, right now, I'm accumulating the power and the force and the drive necessary to hurdle over all of my other previous goals, aspirations, opinions, etc. I require a game plan, and until one settles pleasantly in my lap like a darling, purring kitchen named Fortune, i shall simply accumulate monopoly money and toy with the idea of Everything. I know it's lazy of me, but honestly, I don't ride P harder to find antoher job because that would open up opportunities for me to change, and without said opportunities, I can continue doing what I'm doing. I'm so relieved to not be frozen emotionally anymore...and, also, I'm LIVID that I'm not frozen emotionally anymore. That was the coolest thing that has ever happened. I still cling to it, but lukewarm emotions slide through me constantly.
ReplyDeleteThis tattoo, man! What the fuck! And of course, P will have to be present, so even though I am seethhing about it for some reason right now, I can't do anything for--what was it phil said--a few weeks? URG! And knowing my luck, GCock will intentionally make it worse, just to spite me. I'm paranoid. It is awful. Also, I am CONFIDANT he is posting quotes with you in mind...you have wound your way, disinterested, around his brain stem with a few casual words and phrases, and now your ghost will choke him out like a sleek cobra until he is forced to drop it due to your silence....at which point, if you're like me, you will drop him a simple, three sentence line on some idle Tuesday...and it will all begin again with fervor. Indeed.