Time.

This time today, two years ago, we were packing your bags as a monsoon storm raged around us.

I should never have packed up those boxes.
I should have stood firm in the doorway and refused to let you go.
I carry more guilt over that than I should.
It wasn't my fault any more than it was yours.
What else would we have done?
When there were no good solutions?
Or even, any solutions at all...
It was a room with no windows and only one door.
But when I think back on it I somehow manage to almost convince myself that there were other options.

I am extra lost today.
In the middle of some sort of life-crisis that I am unable to resolve.
Panic-y and crying.
Wishing things were different.
All sorts of things.
Most of my life, really.
But also, not.

I'm not unhappy,
I'm just in transition.
And transitions are always hard for me.

And by hard, I mean that they feel as if they are impossible to survive. And yet, I always do.

I talked with my dad for a long time today. He made me feel somewhat better, but there's a bitter knot of anxiety eating a hole in me that nothing will be able to fill for today.

I am mourning your departure more than I need to, in part because it allows me to mourn for something without having to dwell on the transition I'm in the middle of. Or at least I think that's what's going on.

That or it's all just hormones running amok.

I don't know.
I don't know anything definitively today.
I'm lost in thought, but don't have enough information yet to come to any conclusions.

I've been reading In The First Circle on and off, which makes me feel better and worse simultaneously. And also desperately trying to master the art of crochet. I'm doing something wrong. I'm making the same mistake continuously I'm sure. But I think my spirit may be a little too broken today for much learning to take place. Perhaps that's the root of my problem.

In other news, Laurids, my dino bichir is getting big. He was such a little thing for so long. When I looked at him today I was shocked to see how big he is now. He will need to be moved to the larger tank soon.

Emery is back, and depressed at her lack of access to the outside places, as well as the loss of the pool to swim in at her leisure. Oscar seems pleased with his new haircut, uneven as it may be. Mittens is just pleased not to have been confined to the kennel all day.

I desperately need a bath...and possibly a lobotomy. ;)

I miss your face.