Lemonade

Oh Dear Friend, if I asked you nicely would you come home today? Come sit on the floor with me while I push my way through all this muck and remind me that things are not actually always this bad? Everything seems so much harder now that you're gone. Not so much because you had to go, but because hanging out with you on rough nights is no longer an option. And I hate not having options.

These entries sometimes read like love letters. Have you noticed that? Which is kind of funny, so there's always that I guess.

How's life up there with Maw and Paw and QD? Are you going crazy? I just started re-reading Ariel, which has been helping me feel less alone in my own anxiety ridden, teetering-on-the-edge-of-crazy craziness.

Really, I was doing pretty well until my dad, who I really really love to death, and who means well, started with the incessant phone calls/text messages/emails. On my own I was functioning at about 96%. Now my days are punctuated every 45 seconds with frantic text messages (Call when able. ASAP!!!! VRY IMPRTNT!!!! Orange alert!!!! etc.), just because dad wants to check in. As a result I'm managing to function at about -40%. I wander around, continually on the verge of a heart attack, I am running only on adrenaline at this point and live in damn near constant fear of my phone. I'd turn it off, but then Dad would just show up (again) and we'd have to do this whole dance in person...fifty times a day. What I really want...need. What I really need is ten damn minutes to myself. Ten minutes to get my blood pressure down. Ten minutes to eat some food. Ten minutes to just sit in silence and do absolutely nothing.

Apparently that's totally out of the question. *le sigh*

Something good has to come out of this right? Maybe?




Here's a song for today.



It was Cinco de Mayo
Pillow case on his head
No more breathing time
An ambulance sped
It sped round every corner
Calling out his name

Shot a rabbit from the back seat window
Sat and watched the summer corn grow
Ate ice cream in a desert dream
And got lost in father's singing
Too hot inside
Too hot outside
Lazy days when I said let's go for a ride
We'd sail on Spirit Lake
Me, my pappy, and his lemonade.