Uh-oh.

I may have overdone the social butterfly bit this summer Dear Friend.

It all seemed like such a good idea at the time.
I had such lofty goals.
Dreams even.

Dreams of getting out of the house.
Of doing all sorts of lovely things outside my comfort zone.
Of being uncomfortable.
Of growing.

I did many of these things. I made a great many friends. I went lots of places. I saw lots of things. I had stupid amounts of fun.

And that was all well and good.

But like all things, moderation is the key, and the key to moderation is knowing your own limits.




Now, with summer nearly gone and fall closing in on me, I found myself today just totally and completely overwhelmed by the amount of people around me.

They are always there. Clawing at me. At my mind. At my organs. At my time. At my money.

'Come hang out with us!' they call.
'Come have lunch'
'Come to karaoke'
'Come have coffee'
'Come hiking'
'Come dancing'
'Come drive into the mountains'
'Come play dress up'

Exhausted and overwhelmed I want only to stay home by myself. To have a couple of days to regenerate myself.

But the phone rings endlessly. There are text messages. Facebook posts. Comments.

'What are you doing right now'
'Where are you'
They read.

'What are you thinking'
'Why aren't you answering me'
'Are you dead'
'Hello...'


I found myself today needing rest. Really, really needing it. I was wandering around on the verge of tears, watching the text messages pile up. I could feel my organs panicking over the possibility of any more social interaction. Of having to do anything.

I went home and spent hours crying over articles about dead babies, stillbirths, and animals who refused to leave the side of other dead or dying animals, hoping, praying even, that it would ameliorate the stress/anxiety building inside of me.

Instead I found myself stressed, anxious, and sad, which was not my intention.

In my intensely distressed state, all of my senses heightened which caused me to hyper-focus on things that annoy me. The sound of the dog or the cats licking things has been driving me crazy all day. Nervous break-down crazy. It doesn't matter where in the house they are. The second the stick their tongues out it's like they're licking my brain. I found myself reasoning with the dog, pleading her to stop smacking her lips. To stop licking her nose. 'If you love me at all, you'll stop licking things' I kept whining, pacing around trying to get away from the sound.

Smells kept finding their way into my nose. Smells that were irritating and offensive. I dismantled the house in search of them. I took apart and scrubbed down the inside parts of the washing machine with bleach. I fixed all the plumbing issues in the house, including the garbage disposal/sink drainage issues in the kitchen (HUGE victory, for the record). I crawled around sniffing the carpet looking for spots that didn't smell right, trying to eliminate anything that might irritate me.

All the while my phone continued to go off. All sorts of people were needing all sorts of different things from me. Small talk. Comfort. Companionship. Fun. An end to boredom. Entertainment. The list goes on.

I couldn't handle it.

I need like three weeks of quiet solitude. Three weeks with the shades drawn and the lights and music turned off to just reflect on the miraculous couple of months I've had without interruption from the world.

I just need time.
(and space)

So I did what any reasonable person would do.


I locked my phone in my fire safe.


I don't know how long it's going to stay there, but I do know that I suddenly feel better.

People are exhausting. Their existence is loud and constant and it makes me itch when I don't have time alone to center myself. I need, on average, about twice as much time alone as I spend with others in order to function. When that doesn't happen, I have days like today.

Hopefully tomorrow brings better things. Hopefully this next week is much more quiet. Lots of love to you Dear Friend. I miss you terribly. Even on days when I hate all things.

Love and Stuff,
Me.