When you realize someone stepped on that one loose string hanging from your sweater, and before you have time to react, the whole thing is just a mess of yarn at your feet?
Me too.
That was my day yesterday.
Really the day was pretty good for the most part. The first two-thirds of my shift was lovely, and I went out with good friends after work, had tasty ethnic foods, and we hung out well into the night. Everything seemed fine.
And then they left and I realized everything had come undone.
Well, not really. But it feels like it.
Mostly the issue is work. I love my job (most of the time anyway), but when things go wrong, they really go wrong. I know that part of the issue is an Aspergers issue, I recognize that logically, but recognizing it isn't helping me cope at all. In fact, it's possible it's making everything much worse.
Anyway, I'm in a battle now. Real or imagined. With people that I don't know. Over issues that are not in anyway related to me. And I'm not sure what to do.
I am stuck because I cannot seem to find a sound way to move forward. So instead I'm just circling around this mess. Crying softly to myself. Frustrated. Confused. And feeling very alone in the world.
Because there is not a good way to move forward, no way to get any closer to some sort of resolution, I'm just totally overwhelmed. I have completely shut down. I'm failing to function. I spent the vast majority of yesterday, after the issue arose, struggling with executive functioning problems. I had a very hard time typing. In fact, it took me a couple of hours to get to the point where I could enter my password to unlock my work station. I keep walking into things. Dropping things. Particularly small things. And I am generally unable to stay on task in any meaningful sense of the term. Mostly I just find myself wandering in small circles, starting things, but not finishing them which is very unlike me.
What I want, right now anyway, is to quit my job, but only because I don't know how to get back to the place where things are okay again. I know that if I just wait it out everything will work out just fine, but it's so hard to ignore the impulse to just drop everything and run away. When there are no other viable solutions that result in an improved quality of life within a clearly defined time frame, leaving feels like the logical choice.
I know I can't, but I want to.
I don't know, Dear Friend. I don't know.
I've just got to muddle through today. Just today. Think I can do it? Yeah, me too. Even if I don't want to. <3
Lots of love.
Song of the Day:
Well, you graduate in December and you technically only have to take one class to graduate right? That's really not too far off and after that you really can just drop everything and start new, or at least that's what I tell myself and what Brian tells me.
ReplyDeleteLol. Yeah, I tell myself that all the time too Hannah. :P I don't actually want to quit. I really do, (despite its many shortcomings) enjoy my job. But things like this where there are no solutions that are both good and fast get me all wrapped around the axle and that fight or flight mechanism kicks in.
ReplyDeleteI am unsure, as of yet, if not being bound to this place by my school schedule will be better for me, or worse. Being unable to just walk away when things get hard has forced me to confront situations I would have ran from in the past. In that way, this job forces me to grow too. So I guess we'll just have to see what happens once I'm free, eh? :P Miss you guys.