he would have given me a brain aneurism by now.
Or so I tell myself.
This week I have begun rapidly unraveling. The problem(s) started two(?) maybe three weeks ago. They all seemed like such minor things at the time, and in true Little Foot fashion, I failed to notice the impending doom. Instead, I just wandered around telling myself everything was peachy, that my marvelous happy/hyper energy was due to all the wonderful things I have in my life right now and not at all related to the fact that I was running full speed at (and rapidly approaching) my maximum anxiety level cliff.
Until, that is, I suddenly stopped being able to eat/sleep/concentrate and began wandering around on the verge of tears with my organs all balled up in tight little angry knots. Then, and only then did I notice the drop-off ahead.
Yeah, yeah, I know. It's the end of the semester. This ALWAYS happens. And to some degree that's true. But it's not usually on this scale.
I wish I could write out what exactly it is that's bothering me, but really, I'm not even sure I could. What started out as a lot of small, seemingly insignificant things has somehow snowballed into an avalanche of giant, significant things, desperately seeking to destroy me.
They won't, don't get me wrong, but it's days like today that I have to remind myself that if I were a weaker person I would have given up by now. That I've only made it this far because I'm stubborn as all get-out and I just refuse to give up. Even when dark, terrible, impossible things seem to be looming over me. Even when I'm a panicky, anxiety ridden mess. Even when I'm failing to function on a satisfactory level. I still just keep moving forward.
Aaarghhhhhhhh.
What I really want, more than anything is a hot bath. I've convinced myself, albeit, rather foolishly, that that's the one thing that has the power to make me feel better. Of course, to add to the list of minor annoyances, I can't take one for like, another week. And all the showers in the world (and believe me, I've had more than a few today), just aren't cutting it.
*Le Sigh*
First World Problems.
I miss your FACE, Lady. I wish you were here to commiserate with me. For now though, I'm going to have a bowl of Waldorf Salad in your honor, and pray to the powers that be to get me through the next three weeks. Lol.
Lots Of Love!!! <-(also could be lol, HA!)
me.
My Littlest of Feet, you are amazing, and everything is going to be okay! School is not only almost over, it is actually almost totally over for good, for all time. Belated homework aside, finals aside, everything is fine. Better than fine. You are quite literally a genius, you are the best person I know, you just recently dodged the worlds...what was it...slowest what? Lol--(discretion being the better part of valor). Youvegot some fresh ink, every swinging dick and pair of hard nipples in the continental United States is available to you, you have awesome hair, th only thing you have going wrong is an abundance of energy and nothing constructive to tackle...nothing that intrigues you, at any rate. Or at least that's what I think. I know this too shall pass (although it sucks about the bath thing...I did not know that...that is news to me), but I wish there was something I could say or do to help. Shave another cat--that outta do it.
ReplyDeleteI heart you desperately, and hope today is going better than yesterday. :( I wuv you!!!
Also, fuck blogger. Lol!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I too am a hot mess. I have been on the verge of tears off and on since last we spoke, waltzing with wispy memories of myself, caressing all my ghosts, staring into the mirrorball of my past and feeling like Carrie in that very split second when the pig blood meets my face...so I get you, for whatever that's worth. I try not to chronicle my depressing thoughts, so I won't. 80's music will appear on my blog shortly. I may or may not wax nostalgic on things, as you so eloquently put it, that I misremember for my own benefit. I will definitely try to fill you in, regardless of how I do or do not indulge in my own moods.
We are fine. We are better than fine. We are kind of super fucking awesome, actually. And good--no, great--things are on the horizon. I promise, web though I hate to promise any thing bc promises are bullshit...I can almost promise. :)
Love!!!!