Oh Dear Friend, it's been a heck of a week for the both of us, hasn't it? I don't know what is going on with people, but perhaps we can blame at least some of it on the looming full moon. I miss you terribly. Now more than ever. It seems everyone around me is slowly losing their minds. I don't know why R flipped out like he did today, but the whole thing makes me extremely uncomfortable. I am not looking forward to tomorrow, but my dad is right, everything will be okay.
My dad is always right. Almost always anyway. Pretty close to always. Close enough that I'm willing to round up.
Most of my wisdom is just Dad's wisdom recycled.
With any luck I will grow up to be half as amazing at anything as he is at being my dad.
I'm currently watching Hoarders. I'm not sure why. Possibly because King of the Hill is no longer on Netflix, and that vexes me. I have yet to find a suitable replacement.
I dyed my hair last night and for the first time I used two entire boxes of hair dye. Not one and a half. Not one in three-quarters. Two. In another couple of months I will require a third box. I feel like my hair is unreasonably long. I know that it is unreasonably thick. I don't know how to do anything with it. I can't seem to style it in any sort of way that pleases me. It is at an irritating length were I can't stand having it down either. So the end result is that it is continuously in a pony tail. I want to cut it. In theory anyway. But I don't want to make an appointment to do it. I don't want to waste time getting it cut when I could be climbing mountains, or doing something equally awesome. And I don't want to spend money on haircuts that I could be spending on gear. So it just keeps growing. I wish I were girly-er more adept at making myself look nice (with my hair down) but I just can't stomach spending that much time in front of the mirror every day.
The canyon hike is in just a couple of days now, and I am jittery with excitement. I am making a focused and concentrated effort not to talk incessantly about it, but it is sooooooo hard. Lol. I wish you were hiking it with me.
My teeth are better, but continue to hurt and unreasonable amount on and off.
The sun is setting before 6 pm now so I constantly think that I need to be heading to bed because it is dark outside, when really it is still early in the evening.
And that is all that I know. I hope this week gets less stressful for the both of us. I love you dearly. I miss you always. Say hi to P for me. Sending all my love.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
The Dentist.
Oh Dear Friend, let me just tell you about my trip to the dentist.
First however, we have to back up a bit.
Back in August I somehow got it into my head that it was time to head off to the dentist. As you may remember, after more than a decade of stubborn resistance I caved and got my teeth cleaned. I was unable, at the time of the cleaning appointment, to have my x-rays read or a care plan drawn up due to some sort of insurance red-tape. So I had my teeth cleaned, (I actually had a debridement, which is the mid-point between a deep cleaning and a regular cleaning), and returned home to wait the two weeks until I could go back for my consultation.
A couple of days later the problems started.
At first it was a sore sort of bruise-y pain in the lower left quadrant. Over the next day or two it bloomed into a womping sort of awful pain that made...everything terrible.
I called the dentist half way through my shift to report the issue.
The person on the phone seemed confused about why I hadn't had a consultation and pulled my chart.
'Oh, I see.' they say. 'He's definitely going to recommend an emergency root canal on that back tooth. No wonder you are in pain.'
Emergency root canal is *not* what I wanted to hear.
I spiraled straight into panic.
When they said they had an appointment available in an hour I immediately agreed to it, called my boss in a panic, and informed him that I had to leave. Immediately.
I drove like a crazy person to the dentist. Shaking in terror. Holding back tears.
I made it inside and by the time I was seated and the dentist came to see me I was just barely holding it together. he asked what was wrong and I started babbling about childhood dental experiences, and my crazy tooth fiend of a dentist who systematically pulled out all my baby teeth.
My dentist however, is awesome, and calmed me down very quickly.
He peered into my mouth and informed me that it was a gum issue, not a tooth issue and that everything would be okay. Sometimes debridements stir up bacteria or bacterial pockets and allow infections to take hold. It's one of those things-have-to-get-worse-before-they-get-better things.
It was really infected, my gums had actually swollen up and partially engulfed my back molar. He had to pull them away from my teeth and pack the area full of antibiotics. This required several shots, but I survived.
I returned home with several prescriptions.
The infection cleared up and two weeks later I returned for my original consultation and to have the infection monitored. The good news was it was gone, the bad news was I needed 10 teeth filled. Ick.
Two days later I returned and had the left side of my mouth fixed. I had four teeth filled, the bottom molar farthest to the back being particularly infected, it required more work than anticipated, but he managed to clean and fill it without having to give me a crown or a root canal so I really couldn't complain.
He said my teeth would be sensitive to hot/cold/pressure for a little while but as long as the pain was fleeting not to worry too much about it. Aside from the first day when all the numbness wore off, my teeth never hurt.
I put off having the right side done because of the Havasupai trip. I wanted to make sure I had at least one side of my mouth that would be in good shape. I would have been insufferable if I couldn't eat properly.
I returned from the trip and had the right side of my mouth fixed the following day. There were six teeth that needed filling on this side, but once he started filling them it became apparent I would need a seventh. That was lame.
As before, I returned home and had no pain other than at the end of the first night.
This puts us at last Friday, two weeks after the fillings were completed.
I was sitting at my desk preparing to enjoy my mid afternoon Kit-Kat. As I masticated that first marvelous bite of chocolate the entire left side of my face lit up with a horrifyingly electric womp of pain. It womped in from a mild pain into a torturous crescendo during which all I could to was squeeze my eyes shut, open my mouth and drool until it passed. It probably only lasted 45 seconds or so, but it felt like years. Then suddenly the pain was gone.
This was only the first of many, MANY similar bouts of pain over the next few hours. The whole left side of my mouth was suddenly sensitive to everything. Hot, cold, sweet, salty, everything set it off. I went to bed worrying that my Picketpost birthday hike was in jeopardy. I woke up in the morning, took a ton of Tylenol, and vowed not to let anything come in contact with that side of my mouth.
Things were mostly fine until today. This morning the pain had graduated to a continuous dull ache, interspersed with bright white flashes of blinding pain. An executive decision was made to ignore the situation.
By noon it was apparent that this plan was failing. I frantically called the dentist, trying to remain calm and sound and unconcerned as possible. They offered me a 230 appointment and I took it.
I arrived at my appointment, certain that this was the gum infection returning. I was calm and ready for my face to stop hurting. I was lead into the room and some x-rays were taken. The girl who did this was super nice, and tried to make small talk with me. I however, am notoriously bad at chit-chat and it was relatively awkward. She turned her attention to my teeth and told me that that back left tooth had a pretty massive filling in it, and it was likely that he would be wanting to do a root canal on it.
Then.
She left me.
Alone.
For 45 minutes.
I was fine for a while, but the longer I sat there staring at my x-rays, the more concerned I became. I didn't want any of this. Just three short months ago my mouth was fine. I was never in any discomfort, my teeth always felt great, and my gums were never infected. Then I started listening to other people and got it in my head that regular dental care was a good idea. It's been one horrible thing after another ever since.
At some point I curled up into a ball. Eventually I began silently crying. A lot. I didn't want a root canal. I didn't want any of the fillings that I got. I didn't want gum infections. None of this would have happened if I hadn't gone to the dentist to begin with. Sure, my teeth might have secretly rotted away or abscessed or whatever, and maybe it would have killed me, but maybe I wouldn't have noticed any of that. Maybe it wouldn't have been this bad.
Also, when did it become acceptable for people who are not dentists just go around casually telling people that they're going to need root canals? Are they sadists? I don't know. But it was mean and I was officially freaking out.
By the time the dentist gets in there, I am in the middle of a full blown panic attack. He looks at me and says, 'does it really hurt that bad?' I am confused about why he thinks I am in that much pain, and then I remember that I'm a blubbering mess.
I tried to explain, but most of what I said didn't make sense. I did however tell him that I was pretty sure he had ruined my teeth, and that I wanted to go home. I also may have made a series of escalating allegations regarding his desire to steal all my teeth and put them into other peoples mouths.
This all happened very quietly. Or at least, what I believed to be very quietly. It was as quiet a freak-out as one could possibly have. I was whispering, but also hyperventilating and talking very fast. They moved me to another room. Possibly so I wouldn't freak everyone else out.
A different person came in to talk with me. I'm pretty sure they sent her in to calm me down, but there was nothing she could do. The panic just had to run its course. She was however, wonderful and assured me no one was going to take my teeth, though I remain suspicious.
By the time the doctor came back in everything was fine. He confirmed my suspicions that my gums were re-infected, but said the infection was nowhere near as bad as last time. We figured out the problem with that bacterial pocket behind my rear tooth and he gave me some prescriptions. He also added a note to my file that says not to tell me anything about any dental work that anyone thinks I might need and only to let the girl who was sent in to calm me down talk to me from now on, so I've been appeased.
My mouth feels better already, but between the antibiotics and the pain medicine the rest of me feels worse (Ha!) and my head is very, very cloudy. Hopefully tomorrow is better. Both in terms of tooth pain, and in terms of general medication related discomfort.
I have to go back in two more weeks, the day after my R2R, to have the infection checked again. If anything else goes wrong with my mouth ever again, I might have to burn everything to the ground. ;)
I miss you terribly Dear Friend. I hope things there are less eventful and that YOUR teeth at least, are less irritated than mine.
Sending all my love.
First however, we have to back up a bit.
Back in August I somehow got it into my head that it was time to head off to the dentist. As you may remember, after more than a decade of stubborn resistance I caved and got my teeth cleaned. I was unable, at the time of the cleaning appointment, to have my x-rays read or a care plan drawn up due to some sort of insurance red-tape. So I had my teeth cleaned, (I actually had a debridement, which is the mid-point between a deep cleaning and a regular cleaning), and returned home to wait the two weeks until I could go back for my consultation.
A couple of days later the problems started.
At first it was a sore sort of bruise-y pain in the lower left quadrant. Over the next day or two it bloomed into a womping sort of awful pain that made...everything terrible.
I called the dentist half way through my shift to report the issue.
The person on the phone seemed confused about why I hadn't had a consultation and pulled my chart.
'Oh, I see.' they say. 'He's definitely going to recommend an emergency root canal on that back tooth. No wonder you are in pain.'
Emergency root canal is *not* what I wanted to hear.
I spiraled straight into panic.
When they said they had an appointment available in an hour I immediately agreed to it, called my boss in a panic, and informed him that I had to leave. Immediately.
I drove like a crazy person to the dentist. Shaking in terror. Holding back tears.
I made it inside and by the time I was seated and the dentist came to see me I was just barely holding it together. he asked what was wrong and I started babbling about childhood dental experiences, and my crazy tooth fiend of a dentist who systematically pulled out all my baby teeth.
My dentist however, is awesome, and calmed me down very quickly.
He peered into my mouth and informed me that it was a gum issue, not a tooth issue and that everything would be okay. Sometimes debridements stir up bacteria or bacterial pockets and allow infections to take hold. It's one of those things-have-to-get-worse-before-they-get-better things.
It was really infected, my gums had actually swollen up and partially engulfed my back molar. He had to pull them away from my teeth and pack the area full of antibiotics. This required several shots, but I survived.
I returned home with several prescriptions.
The infection cleared up and two weeks later I returned for my original consultation and to have the infection monitored. The good news was it was gone, the bad news was I needed 10 teeth filled. Ick.
Two days later I returned and had the left side of my mouth fixed. I had four teeth filled, the bottom molar farthest to the back being particularly infected, it required more work than anticipated, but he managed to clean and fill it without having to give me a crown or a root canal so I really couldn't complain.
He said my teeth would be sensitive to hot/cold/pressure for a little while but as long as the pain was fleeting not to worry too much about it. Aside from the first day when all the numbness wore off, my teeth never hurt.
I put off having the right side done because of the Havasupai trip. I wanted to make sure I had at least one side of my mouth that would be in good shape. I would have been insufferable if I couldn't eat properly.
I returned from the trip and had the right side of my mouth fixed the following day. There were six teeth that needed filling on this side, but once he started filling them it became apparent I would need a seventh. That was lame.
As before, I returned home and had no pain other than at the end of the first night.
This puts us at last Friday, two weeks after the fillings were completed.
I was sitting at my desk preparing to enjoy my mid afternoon Kit-Kat. As I masticated that first marvelous bite of chocolate the entire left side of my face lit up with a horrifyingly electric womp of pain. It womped in from a mild pain into a torturous crescendo during which all I could to was squeeze my eyes shut, open my mouth and drool until it passed. It probably only lasted 45 seconds or so, but it felt like years. Then suddenly the pain was gone.
This was only the first of many, MANY similar bouts of pain over the next few hours. The whole left side of my mouth was suddenly sensitive to everything. Hot, cold, sweet, salty, everything set it off. I went to bed worrying that my Picketpost birthday hike was in jeopardy. I woke up in the morning, took a ton of Tylenol, and vowed not to let anything come in contact with that side of my mouth.
Things were mostly fine until today. This morning the pain had graduated to a continuous dull ache, interspersed with bright white flashes of blinding pain. An executive decision was made to ignore the situation.
By noon it was apparent that this plan was failing. I frantically called the dentist, trying to remain calm and sound and unconcerned as possible. They offered me a 230 appointment and I took it.
I arrived at my appointment, certain that this was the gum infection returning. I was calm and ready for my face to stop hurting. I was lead into the room and some x-rays were taken. The girl who did this was super nice, and tried to make small talk with me. I however, am notoriously bad at chit-chat and it was relatively awkward. She turned her attention to my teeth and told me that that back left tooth had a pretty massive filling in it, and it was likely that he would be wanting to do a root canal on it.
Then.
She left me.
Alone.
For 45 minutes.
I was fine for a while, but the longer I sat there staring at my x-rays, the more concerned I became. I didn't want any of this. Just three short months ago my mouth was fine. I was never in any discomfort, my teeth always felt great, and my gums were never infected. Then I started listening to other people and got it in my head that regular dental care was a good idea. It's been one horrible thing after another ever since.
At some point I curled up into a ball. Eventually I began silently crying. A lot. I didn't want a root canal. I didn't want any of the fillings that I got. I didn't want gum infections. None of this would have happened if I hadn't gone to the dentist to begin with. Sure, my teeth might have secretly rotted away or abscessed or whatever, and maybe it would have killed me, but maybe I wouldn't have noticed any of that. Maybe it wouldn't have been this bad.
Also, when did it become acceptable for people who are not dentists just go around casually telling people that they're going to need root canals? Are they sadists? I don't know. But it was mean and I was officially freaking out.
By the time the dentist gets in there, I am in the middle of a full blown panic attack. He looks at me and says, 'does it really hurt that bad?' I am confused about why he thinks I am in that much pain, and then I remember that I'm a blubbering mess.
I tried to explain, but most of what I said didn't make sense. I did however tell him that I was pretty sure he had ruined my teeth, and that I wanted to go home. I also may have made a series of escalating allegations regarding his desire to steal all my teeth and put them into other peoples mouths.
This all happened very quietly. Or at least, what I believed to be very quietly. It was as quiet a freak-out as one could possibly have. I was whispering, but also hyperventilating and talking very fast. They moved me to another room. Possibly so I wouldn't freak everyone else out.
A different person came in to talk with me. I'm pretty sure they sent her in to calm me down, but there was nothing she could do. The panic just had to run its course. She was however, wonderful and assured me no one was going to take my teeth, though I remain suspicious.
By the time the doctor came back in everything was fine. He confirmed my suspicions that my gums were re-infected, but said the infection was nowhere near as bad as last time. We figured out the problem with that bacterial pocket behind my rear tooth and he gave me some prescriptions. He also added a note to my file that says not to tell me anything about any dental work that anyone thinks I might need and only to let the girl who was sent in to calm me down talk to me from now on, so I've been appeased.
My mouth feels better already, but between the antibiotics and the pain medicine the rest of me feels worse (Ha!) and my head is very, very cloudy. Hopefully tomorrow is better. Both in terms of tooth pain, and in terms of general medication related discomfort.
I have to go back in two more weeks, the day after my R2R, to have the infection checked again. If anything else goes wrong with my mouth ever again, I might have to burn everything to the ground. ;)
I miss you terribly Dear Friend. I hope things there are less eventful and that YOUR teeth at least, are less irritated than mine.
Sending all my love.
Friday, November 1, 2013
What happened to October?
I feel like I just said this about September, and about August before it. Somehow October came and went and I feel like I didn't even have the time to stop and enjoy it! Sheesh!
My birthday came and went. It was lovely in all aspects, but it is the Fancy Pants celebration tomorrow that I am looking forward to the most. Not because it is particularly exciting, but because it is exactly how I wanted to celebrate my birthday. Quietly, with my friends, on top of a mountain. I wish more than anything that you were here to scramble up my favorite mountain with me, but I promise to have a glass of wine just for you.
My R2R approacheth, and I am growing increasingly insufferable with excitement. I have devoted all of my free time to compiling what is more or less a dossier on the South Rim. *I* am pleased about it, but the rest of the world is pretty sick of hearing me talk about the canyon. HA! Nobody cares how many unconformities are (in the Grand Canyon), or which section of which trail has the steepest grade, or what the record number of crossings done on foot in a single trip is...but I do! I want to know everything! About everything! Bwahahahaha!
This may or may not turn into a Grand Canyon trivia space for the next couple of weeks. I will try to keep it in check, but I can't make any promises.
Other than the usual amount of excessive mountaineering, there's not a lot to report.
I hung out with my dad for a while today. We went out to dinner and did some shopping. He talked about his new doctor, who is apparently super awesome, I picked up some more yarn and new hiking socks. I love hanging out with my dad.
I finished the octopus hat (which is amazing). The tentacles are longer that I would have liked, but I think they are actually the best length given the circumstances. The shorter tentacles are much cuter, and lend a much livelier look to the octopus, but the also end up in your face all the time which is bad for hiking. The longer tentacles are heavy enough that that particular issue is resolved. The only downside to it is that it is heavy, and it may be too warm for the bottom of the canyon.
That's all I know. Or rather, that's all my brain can think of right now. Clearly I need a nap.
I miss you terribly Dear Friend. All the days. Especially the days when I fail to write here. I hope things are well in The Land of Trees and Fog, and I hope you're not freezing to death up there. Sending all my love.
My birthday came and went. It was lovely in all aspects, but it is the Fancy Pants celebration tomorrow that I am looking forward to the most. Not because it is particularly exciting, but because it is exactly how I wanted to celebrate my birthday. Quietly, with my friends, on top of a mountain. I wish more than anything that you were here to scramble up my favorite mountain with me, but I promise to have a glass of wine just for you.
My R2R approacheth, and I am growing increasingly insufferable with excitement. I have devoted all of my free time to compiling what is more or less a dossier on the South Rim. *I* am pleased about it, but the rest of the world is pretty sick of hearing me talk about the canyon. HA! Nobody cares how many unconformities are (in the Grand Canyon), or which section of which trail has the steepest grade, or what the record number of crossings done on foot in a single trip is...but I do! I want to know everything! About everything! Bwahahahaha!
This may or may not turn into a Grand Canyon trivia space for the next couple of weeks. I will try to keep it in check, but I can't make any promises.
Other than the usual amount of excessive mountaineering, there's not a lot to report.
I hung out with my dad for a while today. We went out to dinner and did some shopping. He talked about his new doctor, who is apparently super awesome, I picked up some more yarn and new hiking socks. I love hanging out with my dad.
I finished the octopus hat (which is amazing). The tentacles are longer that I would have liked, but I think they are actually the best length given the circumstances. The shorter tentacles are much cuter, and lend a much livelier look to the octopus, but the also end up in your face all the time which is bad for hiking. The longer tentacles are heavy enough that that particular issue is resolved. The only downside to it is that it is heavy, and it may be too warm for the bottom of the canyon.
That's all I know. Or rather, that's all my brain can think of right now. Clearly I need a nap.
I miss you terribly Dear Friend. All the days. Especially the days when I fail to write here. I hope things are well in The Land of Trees and Fog, and I hope you're not freezing to death up there. Sending all my love.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Time.
“Time is rhythm: the insect rhythm of a warm humid night, brain ripple, breathing, the drum in my temple—these are our faithful timekeepers; and reason corrects the feverish beat.”
I'm reading Ada.
I am exhausted.
I have been knitting.
I spent the day, restless and bristled by the apparent swarms of people lining up to ask me when I'm going to get a "real" job.
As though my current one was somehow just a fantasy.
As if I spent my days hustling or some such nonsense.
As if this line of questioning was both reasonable and socially acceptable.
I've decided to start answering it with my own question:
When are you going lose some "real" weight?
I still cannot access your blog.
Wordpress is demanding that I create a blog with them.
It will not allow me to choose a username.
It alternates between (the user name of your choice) is not available
and
(the username of your choice) already exists. Is (the username of your choice) you? log in!
I am unclear on why there is a distinction between not available and already exists.
If it already exists, wouldn't it also be unavailable?
I am convinced that it is personal.
But that may be the exhaustion speaking.
I will try again tomorrow.
I received your quote list, which for the record, is an amazing collection of literary snippets.
How will you be distinguishing between them?
Typography?
I am struggling with visualization.
But again, that may also be because my brain is more or less asleep already.
I will text you regarding this tomorrow. :)
Tomorrow morning I am going hiking.
Come hell or high water.
Tomorrow I will test out my new camera.
For now, I am going to bed.
ALL my love.
A very, very, VERY tired LittleFoot.
I'm reading Ada.
I am exhausted.
I have been knitting.
I spent the day, restless and bristled by the apparent swarms of people lining up to ask me when I'm going to get a "real" job.
As though my current one was somehow just a fantasy.
As if I spent my days hustling or some such nonsense.
As if this line of questioning was both reasonable and socially acceptable.
I've decided to start answering it with my own question:
When are you going lose some "real" weight?
I still cannot access your blog.
Wordpress is demanding that I create a blog with them.
It will not allow me to choose a username.
It alternates between (the user name of your choice) is not available
and
(the username of your choice) already exists. Is (the username of your choice) you? log in!
I am unclear on why there is a distinction between not available and already exists.
If it already exists, wouldn't it also be unavailable?
I am convinced that it is personal.
But that may be the exhaustion speaking.
I will try again tomorrow.
I received your quote list, which for the record, is an amazing collection of literary snippets.
How will you be distinguishing between them?
Typography?
I am struggling with visualization.
But again, that may also be because my brain is more or less asleep already.
I will text you regarding this tomorrow. :)
Tomorrow morning I am going hiking.
Come hell or high water.
Tomorrow I will test out my new camera.
For now, I am going to bed.
ALL my love.
A very, very, VERY tired LittleFoot.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Song of the Day!
Father did you miss me, Don't ask me where I've been.
You know I know. Yes, I've been told, I redefine sin.
I don't know what's driving me to put this in my head.
Maybe I wish I could die, maybe I am dead
Heresy
For the laughs that I fake. I am going to hell.
For the vows that I break. I am going to hell.
For the ways that I hurt, when I'm hiking out my skirt.
I am sittin' on a throne while they're buried in the dirt.
For the man that I hate. I am going to hell.
Heavy with the devil, you can hear the wedding bells.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
My mother loved M&M's
Every time I eat them I think, "My mother loved M&M's".
This is one of the few things attached to the memory of my mother that doesn't bother me. (Unlike other vestiges of her memory; canned salmon, egg salad sandwiches, Hansen's Soda.) I think maybe this is because my clearest memories of the M&M's my mother ate were from before the tan/blue swap in the mid 90's. (I never liked the blue M&M's, for the record, and I miss the old color scheme. Now they just seem...neon-y and alien. And yes, this nostalgia for the old set does feel contradictory.)
Today I was beyond exhausted. (And I remain beyond exhausted despite my two hour nap following my shift). At some point, craving a Kit-Kat, I found myself swaying in front of the vending machine at work, glaring at the one empty slot where my Kit-Kat should be, eyes glazed over from the mix of sleep deprivation, hypothermia, and sorrow over my missing chocolate.
Drats.
Another selection had to be made. My back up choice of Cheetos was also suspiciously out of stock, leading me to suspect that this was some sort of planned personal slight at me by either other employees, or the vending machine conglomerate as a whole. That might just be the lack of sleep talking though.
I stood, trying to figure out whether I should resort to my third choice, or just abandon my junk food quest altogether. My money was already in the machine and so I was already too invested to walk away. Pushing the coin return button seemed like work. Work without chocolate-y pay off. And that was unreasonable.
M&M's (the peaunut ones) and Reese's Pieces stood side by side behind the glass. Mocking my indecision.
I punched in my selection and wandered out to eat them in the sunshine, hoping to warm up just a little bit.
'My mother loved M&M's,' I thought again, as I popped my candies into my mouth. 'but Reese's Pieces are a million times better'. I laughed out loud in a way only the delirious and the very young do and crammed a fist full of candies into my mouth, making Pam's 'bear claws! *om-nom-nom-nom*' sounds, a-la Archer.
And that's pretty much how the whole day has gone.
Miss your face.
This is one of the few things attached to the memory of my mother that doesn't bother me. (Unlike other vestiges of her memory; canned salmon, egg salad sandwiches, Hansen's Soda.) I think maybe this is because my clearest memories of the M&M's my mother ate were from before the tan/blue swap in the mid 90's. (I never liked the blue M&M's, for the record, and I miss the old color scheme. Now they just seem...neon-y and alien. And yes, this nostalgia for the old set does feel contradictory.)
Today I was beyond exhausted. (And I remain beyond exhausted despite my two hour nap following my shift). At some point, craving a Kit-Kat, I found myself swaying in front of the vending machine at work, glaring at the one empty slot where my Kit-Kat should be, eyes glazed over from the mix of sleep deprivation, hypothermia, and sorrow over my missing chocolate.
Drats.
Another selection had to be made. My back up choice of Cheetos was also suspiciously out of stock, leading me to suspect that this was some sort of planned personal slight at me by either other employees, or the vending machine conglomerate as a whole. That might just be the lack of sleep talking though.
I stood, trying to figure out whether I should resort to my third choice, or just abandon my junk food quest altogether. My money was already in the machine and so I was already too invested to walk away. Pushing the coin return button seemed like work. Work without chocolate-y pay off. And that was unreasonable.
M&M's (the peaunut ones) and Reese's Pieces stood side by side behind the glass. Mocking my indecision.
I punched in my selection and wandered out to eat them in the sunshine, hoping to warm up just a little bit.
'My mother loved M&M's,' I thought again, as I popped my candies into my mouth. 'but Reese's Pieces are a million times better'. I laughed out loud in a way only the delirious and the very young do and crammed a fist full of candies into my mouth, making Pam's 'bear claws! *om-nom-nom-nom*' sounds, a-la Archer.
And that's pretty much how the whole day has gone.
Miss your face.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Up to.
Dear Friend, I've been trying to figure out how to articulate what exactly I've been up to, but I can't quite figure out how. I am both up to many, many things, and simultaneously nothing at all.
Time passes by at a slippery and nearly intangible clip.
I am drifting from weekend to weekend.
My thoughts regarding The Great American Novel intensify but I am unsure how exactly to proceed at this point. I am waiting for my thoughts to coalesce, I suppose, which feels somehow unhelpful.
I have been (as always) climbing all the things. Havasupai, Boulder Canyon (to Indian Paint Mines), and Hutch's Pool, being just a few of my more recent weekend trips. My hiking buddy is currently...indisposed...definitely for this weekend, with brief windows of availability for the next month. I am hoping to get to summit Picketpost next weekend, or the one after, I would like to do a South to South R2R before November hits and I am forced to buy crampons and confront my fear of snow...specifically snow at the Grand Canyon, which is in fact, the root of my snow-fear. But the government continues to be shut down, and despite constant chatter about it, the state of the NP's remains a hot mess.
I have been super social, or rather, super social on a LittleFoot scale (which is really not terribly social at all) as of late. It has been fun, but also exhausting. I am continually running on a spoon deficit and I know this will backfire on me before long. My goal is to spend the rest of my weekend in silence - total and complete silence - and to hope that it rejuvenates me enough to get me through the next week. I NEED some time alone. Totally alone. Alone with my own thoughts in my own house before I go crazy. :) Silence and solitude are practically currency at this point.
What else? I can't access your blog anymore because you've changed the privacy settings. I need an invite and a password, apparently. I can see that you are posting, but am unable to read the actual posts. I did receive your quotes text message for approval, but it came as a string of 49 text messages, shuffled, naturally, and have not yet had the time to sit down to try to piece all of them back together correctly. What are you thinking for this piece? Will you be distinguishing different fragments typographically? (Because clearly that would be awesome!)
For now, these are all the things I know.
As always, I miss you more than I have words for, and I wish you were here. I hope things there are looking up, that your back is getting better, and that you got to enjoy at least SOME of your week off. Sending all my love, as always.
Time passes by at a slippery and nearly intangible clip.
I am drifting from weekend to weekend.
My thoughts regarding The Great American Novel intensify but I am unsure how exactly to proceed at this point. I am waiting for my thoughts to coalesce, I suppose, which feels somehow unhelpful.
I have been (as always) climbing all the things. Havasupai, Boulder Canyon (to Indian Paint Mines), and Hutch's Pool, being just a few of my more recent weekend trips. My hiking buddy is currently...indisposed...definitely for this weekend, with brief windows of availability for the next month. I am hoping to get to summit Picketpost next weekend, or the one after, I would like to do a South to South R2R before November hits and I am forced to buy crampons and confront my fear of snow...specifically snow at the Grand Canyon, which is in fact, the root of my snow-fear. But the government continues to be shut down, and despite constant chatter about it, the state of the NP's remains a hot mess.
I have been super social, or rather, super social on a LittleFoot scale (which is really not terribly social at all) as of late. It has been fun, but also exhausting. I am continually running on a spoon deficit and I know this will backfire on me before long. My goal is to spend the rest of my weekend in silence - total and complete silence - and to hope that it rejuvenates me enough to get me through the next week. I NEED some time alone. Totally alone. Alone with my own thoughts in my own house before I go crazy. :) Silence and solitude are practically currency at this point.
What else? I can't access your blog anymore because you've changed the privacy settings. I need an invite and a password, apparently. I can see that you are posting, but am unable to read the actual posts. I did receive your quotes text message for approval, but it came as a string of 49 text messages, shuffled, naturally, and have not yet had the time to sit down to try to piece all of them back together correctly. What are you thinking for this piece? Will you be distinguishing different fragments typographically? (Because clearly that would be awesome!)
For now, these are all the things I know.
As always, I miss you more than I have words for, and I wish you were here. I hope things there are looking up, that your back is getting better, and that you got to enjoy at least SOME of your week off. Sending all my love, as always.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Sweaty.
I am sticky and sweaty and smell like...yoga...which yes, has its own particular brand of bikram stink. I need to eat some food and take my medicine before my body has time to register that it actually does have a raging sinus infection. I need to shower and wash the sickly-sticky yoga film off of myself. And I need to get to sleep.
Some of these things will happen.
Others won't.
It's hard to say what might take priority, however, if I fail to shower tonight, all my linens will have to go directly in the washing machine in the morning, and that seems like a lot of work. Food seems important now, but not as important as medicine. Sleep is clearly critical. . .
At any rate, I miss your face. A LOT. Thanks for talking with me today, it made me feel much better somehow. I've been super distracted, worrying about whether or not you're surviving this week. I wish I were there, or you were here. Or that we could run away to some place in between and carve out a living wrestling bears or something equally impressive.
*sigh*
I feel substantially better than I did when I spoke with you earlier, but not nearly as good as I would like to. I CAN actually breathe now, but only so long as I take my decongestants in a timely manner. I went to yoga, even with my whole head clearly clogged with mucous, and struggled to a hilarious degree with all things requiring any semblance of balance. My head could not register which way was up, which way was down, and where in the world it was in relation to anything else. It. Was. Awesome. But it did make me feel better.
That's all I know on this end. Send me pics of your hair woman! I'm dying to see it!!!
All my love.
LittleFoot
Some of these things will happen.
Others won't.
It's hard to say what might take priority, however, if I fail to shower tonight, all my linens will have to go directly in the washing machine in the morning, and that seems like a lot of work. Food seems important now, but not as important as medicine. Sleep is clearly critical. . .
At any rate, I miss your face. A LOT. Thanks for talking with me today, it made me feel much better somehow. I've been super distracted, worrying about whether or not you're surviving this week. I wish I were there, or you were here. Or that we could run away to some place in between and carve out a living wrestling bears or something equally impressive.
*sigh*
I feel substantially better than I did when I spoke with you earlier, but not nearly as good as I would like to. I CAN actually breathe now, but only so long as I take my decongestants in a timely manner. I went to yoga, even with my whole head clearly clogged with mucous, and struggled to a hilarious degree with all things requiring any semblance of balance. My head could not register which way was up, which way was down, and where in the world it was in relation to anything else. It. Was. Awesome. But it did make me feel better.
That's all I know on this end. Send me pics of your hair woman! I'm dying to see it!!!
All my love.
LittleFoot
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Nineteenth.
It's my sister's birthday today. I failed to mention that earlier. I text her this morning and got the usual one word response (Spanks!!). But that's okay. I'll love her anyway. ;) The informal autumn birthday party for the lot of us is on Sunday. We will be celebrating with finger foods and rockets.
I finally finished organizing my book collection. It looks stunning now, but I don't know that color is an effective organizational scheme. At least not for anyone who is not familiar with the nuances of my personal library. I organized my DVDs as well. Also, probably not particularly helpful for anyone other than me.
Other than that, nothing of note has happened. I watched Persepolis and took a bath. Super unimpressive. No mountains, no adventures.
...Did I tell you there was a flag in my sitting-spot on Squaw Peak last night? A big ass American flag. ('Merica!) It scared the holy crap out of me, and I damn near toppled off the mountain. We hiked up by the light of the full moon, and I was staring out at said moon (in a dangerously distracted way) while simultaneously running/climbing up the rock formations to the peak. The next thing I know, I'm smacked in the face by a flag in the dark. It was...deeply unsettling.
Deeply.
Unsettling.
It continued to terrorize me for the remainder of my time up there. More than once I lost my shit, thinking it was a person running straight at me in the dark. Luckily, Emily had similar issues. Apparently there is something inherently menacing about flags in the darkness.
All my love.
I finally finished organizing my book collection. It looks stunning now, but I don't know that color is an effective organizational scheme. At least not for anyone who is not familiar with the nuances of my personal library. I organized my DVDs as well. Also, probably not particularly helpful for anyone other than me.
Other than that, nothing of note has happened. I watched Persepolis and took a bath. Super unimpressive. No mountains, no adventures.
...Did I tell you there was a flag in my sitting-spot on Squaw Peak last night? A big ass American flag. ('Merica!) It scared the holy crap out of me, and I damn near toppled off the mountain. We hiked up by the light of the full moon, and I was staring out at said moon (in a dangerously distracted way) while simultaneously running/climbing up the rock formations to the peak. The next thing I know, I'm smacked in the face by a flag in the dark. It was...deeply unsettling.
Deeply.
Unsettling.
It continued to terrorize me for the remainder of my time up there. More than once I lost my shit, thinking it was a person running straight at me in the dark. Luckily, Emily had similar issues. Apparently there is something inherently menacing about flags in the darkness.
All my love.
You Had Time
How can I go home
With nothing to say
I know you're going to look at me that way
And say what did you do out there
And what did you decide
You said you needed time
And you had time
You are a china shop
And I am a bull
You are really good food
And I am full
I guess everything is timing
I guess everything's been said
So I am coming home with an empty head
You'll say did they love you or what
I'll say they love what I do
The only one who really loves me is you
And you'll say girl did you kick some butt
And I'll say I don't really remember
But my fingers are sore
And my voice is too
You'll say it's really good to see you
You'll say I missed you horribly
You'll say let me carry that
Give that to me
And you will take the heavy stuff
And you will drive the car
And I'll look out the window making jokes
About the way things are
How can I go home
With nothing to say
I know you're going to look at me that way
And say what did you do out there
And what did you decide
You said you needed time
And you had time
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Tired.
I literally JUST walked in the door from hiking Squaw Peak until my legs failed me. I am well and truly beat. I don't know how I manage to lose so many hours to the tops of mountains, but it all just slips away. Before I know it, all my free time is gone, and I need to get to bed.
I'm so sorry I didn't call you when I got down. I meant to, but a series of tiny thing went wrong, the moral of the story being that I'm writing you here instead, which is nowhere near sufficient. :\
I do however, miss you terribly. More than terribly. I miss you all the days. I left behind the Flaubert quote for you, on the tops of mountains, but did not remember to photograph it. Clearly I am failing at all things. I know that this means that it technically never happened, but rest assured, I WILL secure photographic evidence for you within the week.
More CocoRosie. CocoRosie all of the days.
I'm so sorry I didn't call you when I got down. I meant to, but a series of tiny thing went wrong, the moral of the story being that I'm writing you here instead, which is nowhere near sufficient. :\
I do however, miss you terribly. More than terribly. I miss you all the days. I left behind the Flaubert quote for you, on the tops of mountains, but did not remember to photograph it. Clearly I am failing at all things. I know that this means that it technically never happened, but rest assured, I WILL secure photographic evidence for you within the week.
More CocoRosie. CocoRosie all of the days.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Lazy Days.
I should have done a lot of things today.
Should have.
Instead I lit some candles.
I read some Solzhenitsyn.
And I took a bath.
I've felt generally unwell for the past couple of days, which has (as always), decreased my irritation threshold. This I think, explains my constant complaining about All Of The Things. Things which really oughtn't to be complained about. I am actively trying to be less irritated about The State Of Things. Particularly when those things are relatively minor, but it doesn't come naturally.
At any rate, I hope your day has been more productive than mine. Or, alternatively, that it has been even less productive - perhaps spectacularly so - in which case, I request a dramatic recounting of your ultimate lazy day.
The song for this laziest of days is by The Civil Wars.
Miss your face.
Should have.
Instead I lit some candles.
I read some Solzhenitsyn.
And I took a bath.
I've felt generally unwell for the past couple of days, which has (as always), decreased my irritation threshold. This I think, explains my constant complaining about All Of The Things. Things which really oughtn't to be complained about. I am actively trying to be less irritated about The State Of Things. Particularly when those things are relatively minor, but it doesn't come naturally.
At any rate, I hope your day has been more productive than mine. Or, alternatively, that it has been even less productive - perhaps spectacularly so - in which case, I request a dramatic recounting of your ultimate lazy day.
The song for this laziest of days is by The Civil Wars.
Miss your face.
Monday, September 16, 2013
The one is for you.
They're all for you, but that is besides the point. This one is perhaps, especially for you.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
How I spent my summer vacation. (Part 1)
Here's a summary of what I've been up to since I left Washington.
Wet Beaver Creek - Bell Trail:
South Mountain - Bursera Trail:
Watson Lake
South Mountain - Pyramid Trail:
West Fork Oak Creek from Call O' The Canyon
West Clear Creek
Fossil Creek (West Side) - Waterfall Trail
Squaw Peak Summit Trail (Almost every day now since the start of August)
Tanque Verde Falls
Sabino Canyon - Bear Canyon Trail #29 to Seven Falls
Lost Dutchman State Park
Wet Beaver Creek - Weir Trail
Wet Beaver Creek - Bell Trail:
South Mountain - Bursera Trail:
Watson Lake
South Mountain - Pyramid Trail:
West Fork Oak Creek from Call O' The Canyon
West Clear Creek
Fossil Creek (West Side) - Waterfall Trail
Squaw Peak Summit Trail (Almost every day now since the start of August)
Tanque Verde Falls
Sabino Canyon - Bear Canyon Trail #29 to Seven Falls
Lost Dutchman State Park
Wet Beaver Creek - Weir Trail
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Sweet serial killer...
Spent the day cleaning the house. A serious scrubbing was long overdue. I packed up several boxes of things I don't need or want anymore, but failed to actually load them into the car to take to goodwill. Lol. A project for another day I suppose. For now I'm going to take a long bath. Re-read T50YS, and hit the mountains once the sun is down.
Miss you terribly, all the days.
Song of the day is Serial Killer. :)
Baby, I'm a sociopath,
Sweet serial killer.
On the warpath,
'Cause I love you
Just a little too much.
I love you just
A little too much.
(Much, much, much).
Miss you terribly, all the days.
Song of the day is Serial Killer. :)
Baby, I'm a sociopath,
Sweet serial killer.
On the warpath,
'Cause I love you
Just a little too much.
I love you just
A little too much.
(Much, much, much).
Friday, September 13, 2013
Song of the day.
There's not a mood I've ever had that couldn't be felt in a CocoRosie song.
Gravedigress dig me a hole I can bury
All of my love and all of my holy
All of my love and all of my holy
Old gravediggress by the dried out brook
Whose babble turns to gravel
And my company too
I used to watch the butterflies,
Pretend that its spring
When December can't remember
Not a damn cold thing
Old gravedigger-r by the burnt out tree
Who held the hive a murmur
But no more bees
I used to hear the wind
Made speak and sing the leaves
Seems so long I've felt but a shy and tender breeze
Gravedigress dig me a hole I can bury
All of my love and all of my holy
Gravedigress dig me a hole I can bury
All of my love and all of my holy
Gravedigress dig me a hole I can bury
All of my love and all of my holy
All of my love and all of my holy
Old gravediggress by the dried out brook
Whose babble turns to gravel
And my company too
I used to watch the butterflies,
Pretend that its spring
When December can't remember
Not a damn cold thing
Old gravedigger-r by the burnt out tree
Who held the hive a murmur
But no more bees
I used to hear the wind
Made speak and sing the leaves
Seems so long I've felt but a shy and tender breeze
Gravedigress dig me a hole I can bury
All of my love and all of my holy
Gravedigress dig me a hole I can bury
All of my love and all of my holy
Thursday, September 12, 2013
I came in like a wrecking ball
Oh Dear Friend, I'm back. I'm trying my damnedest not to continue neglecting this space and failing miserably. I will make a more concerted effort from here on out. Pinky promise.
Things here are somehow better and yet exactly the same. Change is coming in so many ways, slowly and relentlessly and there's not a whole lot I can do about it. I both love and loathe this process.
I have lots of things that I could say about the past month, lots of things I could say about the upcoming one, but instead lets watch this cringe-worthy Miley Cyrus video and pretend that the real world doesn't exist. Okay? Great.
And for the record, I don't really have...anything (positive) to say about Miley Cyrus, but I am a sucker for both painfully awkward music videos (why is she licking everything???) and sad songs. I guess that means this one fits the bill. (Plus her explanation 'I'm naked because I'm sad' is just...well, I don't even know what it is. But that nonsensical non-explanation is the only thing that made me watch this video.)
Is the constant droning of top 40 radio ruining my taste in music? Quite possibly.
All my love.
LittleFoot.
Things here are somehow better and yet exactly the same. Change is coming in so many ways, slowly and relentlessly and there's not a whole lot I can do about it. I both love and loathe this process.
I have lots of things that I could say about the past month, lots of things I could say about the upcoming one, but instead lets watch this cringe-worthy Miley Cyrus video and pretend that the real world doesn't exist. Okay? Great.
And for the record, I don't really have...anything (positive) to say about Miley Cyrus, but I am a sucker for both painfully awkward music videos (why is she licking everything???) and sad songs. I guess that means this one fits the bill. (Plus her explanation 'I'm naked because I'm sad' is just...well, I don't even know what it is. But that nonsensical non-explanation is the only thing that made me watch this video.)
Is the constant droning of top 40 radio ruining my taste in music? Quite possibly.
All my love.
LittleFoot.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Signs.
Damn you and your signs. Also, your incredibly thoughtful/insightful list text messages (thank you).
The dentist went...as dentists do.
I was scheduled for a two part visit; x-rays/cleaning, and then consultation/treatment plan. Only half of those things were accomplished.
For some nonsense insurance reasons (that I failed to listen to), I cannot do two things on the same day at the dentist. So thing one, x-rays/cleaning was completed today, and I'm forced to go back in two weeks for the second half, consultation/treatment plan. (Insert look of intense displeasure here.)
The woman who cleaned my teeth was super nice.
She took a million x-rays and confirmed that I had some cavities. (Or at least, that's what I took away from our conversation. Who knows what she really may have told me, I was just waiting for her to start ripping out my teeth.) We were unable to determine where my previous fillings may have been, though we both had our suspicions, and she told me my teeth are not chipped up or generally destroyed as I (still) rather firmly believe. She also said my teeth look amazing for not having been to the dentist in more than a decade, and that the 'cavity' in my front tooth probably isn't a cavity at all. She may have actually said that it definitely isn't a cavity, but I remain unconvinced and refuse to remember her saying any such nonsense.
I have yet to check to see if the spot remains post-cleaning. Mostly because I'm stubborn. But also, because I am lazy.
She numbed up my all my gums (without needles!), and because I can't hold still to save my life, also my lips and tongue before she started cleaning my teeth. This was probably due to my insane ramblings with the receptionist about my fears regarding tooth harvesting and/or my mouth shattering. At any rate, I appreciated it, and I didn't feel a damn thing.
I had, however, forgotten how much I loathe having a numb tongue.
It is a lot.
I loathe it a lot.
I thought of you and your severed hamburger tongue while trying to talk with mine all drugged up on anesthetic. How you willed yourself through that I will never know. Just the thought of trying to eat with my tongue feeling all drunk and alien makes me suicidal.
Anywho, my teeth were clean in no time. None of them shattered, and all of them remained in my mouth. However, I did not have my consultation with the dentist yet, so there is still time for things to go awry.
I also got a goodie bag from the dentist, which I did not open until I got home. Everything inside of it is purple, which is witchcraft, and I just KNOW you're going to say is a sign. Damn you. Damn you all the days.
You and your signs.
All my love,
A still toothed LittleFoot.
The dentist went...as dentists do.
I was scheduled for a two part visit; x-rays/cleaning, and then consultation/treatment plan. Only half of those things were accomplished.
For some nonsense insurance reasons (that I failed to listen to), I cannot do two things on the same day at the dentist. So thing one, x-rays/cleaning was completed today, and I'm forced to go back in two weeks for the second half, consultation/treatment plan. (Insert look of intense displeasure here.)
The woman who cleaned my teeth was super nice.
She took a million x-rays and confirmed that I had some cavities. (Or at least, that's what I took away from our conversation. Who knows what she really may have told me, I was just waiting for her to start ripping out my teeth.) We were unable to determine where my previous fillings may have been, though we both had our suspicions, and she told me my teeth are not chipped up or generally destroyed as I (still) rather firmly believe. She also said my teeth look amazing for not having been to the dentist in more than a decade, and that the 'cavity' in my front tooth probably isn't a cavity at all. She may have actually said that it definitely isn't a cavity, but I remain unconvinced and refuse to remember her saying any such nonsense.
I have yet to check to see if the spot remains post-cleaning. Mostly because I'm stubborn. But also, because I am lazy.
She numbed up my all my gums (without needles!), and because I can't hold still to save my life, also my lips and tongue before she started cleaning my teeth. This was probably due to my insane ramblings with the receptionist about my fears regarding tooth harvesting and/or my mouth shattering. At any rate, I appreciated it, and I didn't feel a damn thing.
I had, however, forgotten how much I loathe having a numb tongue.
It is a lot.
I loathe it a lot.
I thought of you and your severed hamburger tongue while trying to talk with mine all drugged up on anesthetic. How you willed yourself through that I will never know. Just the thought of trying to eat with my tongue feeling all drunk and alien makes me suicidal.
Anywho, my teeth were clean in no time. None of them shattered, and all of them remained in my mouth. However, I did not have my consultation with the dentist yet, so there is still time for things to go awry.
I also got a goodie bag from the dentist, which I did not open until I got home. Everything inside of it is purple, which is witchcraft, and I just KNOW you're going to say is a sign. Damn you. Damn you all the days.
You and your signs.
All my love,
A still toothed LittleFoot.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Dentist
(Totally glossing over my 3 week absence...)
Today, (in the midst of what has to be the darkest week of my life) I was standing the bathroom at work, staring (as I often do) at the cavity forming on the back of one of my teeth.
My teeth are a source of great stress for me.
I've never really taken very good care of them. I brush much less than I should, and with a lazy half-assed sort of attitude. I grind my teeth continually. All day. All night. I clench my jaw shut as tight as possible when I'm scared or stressed or angry or trying to concentrate. I chew on hard objects nearly every minute of every day. It's usually the usual suspects: my nails, pens, pencils, paperclips. But also other things like marbles or rocks, though I actively try not to do that these days. As a result my teeth are all chipped up, fractured, worn down, and generally abused.
Add to this the fact that the fallout from one of the spiteful and dramatic fights I so often had with my dear, sweet, father sometime in early 2000, was a solemn vow that I would never, ever go to the dentist again. The details of this fight, and what precipitated it, are lost to time, but it is one of the few fights that both my dad and I viscerally remember. It was epic, in both scale and magnitude. And true to form, I have not been to the dentist since.
Now, the cavity in my tooth is not news to me. It is totally and completely painless, but I have been aware of it for at least eight months now. I stare at it from time to time, trying to discern if it is getting bigger, or trying to guess how long I have until it finally starts to hurt.
Today however, for whatever terrible reason, I decided to do something about it.
Before I knew what had happened I had made a series of phone calls, and set up an appointment.
For tomorrow.
No good can come of this.
Currently I am convinced this can either go one of two ways:
1. I go to the dentist and he pulls out all of my teeth and puts them into other peoples mouths.
2. I go to the dentist and my teeth all shatter like glass the second a dental tool touches them.
Either way, the outlook isn't good.
I miss you terribly Dear Friend. In case you've somehow missed that. Particularly right now, when life (without rhyme or reason) seems so dark and desperate. I wish you were here. Sending all my love.
Today, (in the midst of what has to be the darkest week of my life) I was standing the bathroom at work, staring (as I often do) at the cavity forming on the back of one of my teeth.
My teeth are a source of great stress for me.
I've never really taken very good care of them. I brush much less than I should, and with a lazy half-assed sort of attitude. I grind my teeth continually. All day. All night. I clench my jaw shut as tight as possible when I'm scared or stressed or angry or trying to concentrate. I chew on hard objects nearly every minute of every day. It's usually the usual suspects: my nails, pens, pencils, paperclips. But also other things like marbles or rocks, though I actively try not to do that these days. As a result my teeth are all chipped up, fractured, worn down, and generally abused.
Add to this the fact that the fallout from one of the spiteful and dramatic fights I so often had with my dear, sweet, father sometime in early 2000, was a solemn vow that I would never, ever go to the dentist again. The details of this fight, and what precipitated it, are lost to time, but it is one of the few fights that both my dad and I viscerally remember. It was epic, in both scale and magnitude. And true to form, I have not been to the dentist since.
Now, the cavity in my tooth is not news to me. It is totally and completely painless, but I have been aware of it for at least eight months now. I stare at it from time to time, trying to discern if it is getting bigger, or trying to guess how long I have until it finally starts to hurt.
Today however, for whatever terrible reason, I decided to do something about it.
Before I knew what had happened I had made a series of phone calls, and set up an appointment.
For tomorrow.
No good can come of this.
Currently I am convinced this can either go one of two ways:
1. I go to the dentist and he pulls out all of my teeth and puts them into other peoples mouths.
2. I go to the dentist and my teeth all shatter like glass the second a dental tool touches them.
Either way, the outlook isn't good.
I miss you terribly Dear Friend. In case you've somehow missed that. Particularly right now, when life (without rhyme or reason) seems so dark and desperate. I wish you were here. Sending all my love.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Drunk.
Today, at 9:38 this morning, while I was shopping for my groceries, my dad called from an ambulance.
Some jerk, drunk as a skunk at 9 am on a Sunday morning, blew through a red light and very nearly killed my daddy.
Somehow Dad walked away from it. Black and blue from the seat belt and the airbag, and only slightly cut up. His new truck is beyond repair. Dad, as usual, was totally stoic and calm.
I hope with everything I have to hope with that the other guy is seriously injured, that this ruins his career, tears apart his family, and leaves his life in tatters. That probably makes me a bad person, but really, I'm okay with that.
People shouldn't be able to hurt my dad. That should be somehow against the rules.
I wrote a much longer, and far more eloquent post on the subject earlier, but decided against posting it. I'm still not sure why. But this one seems appropriate somehow.
The day took the wind out of me. I'm emotionally exhausted and I've spent the whole of the day sleeping on the couch. I just woke up, all I intend to do is move from the couch to my bed, and continue sleeping.
I hope dad sleeps okay tonight. I hope that he's not in too much pain tomorrow.
And that, Dear Friend, is all I know.
Some jerk, drunk as a skunk at 9 am on a Sunday morning, blew through a red light and very nearly killed my daddy.
Somehow Dad walked away from it. Black and blue from the seat belt and the airbag, and only slightly cut up. His new truck is beyond repair. Dad, as usual, was totally stoic and calm.
I hope with everything I have to hope with that the other guy is seriously injured, that this ruins his career, tears apart his family, and leaves his life in tatters. That probably makes me a bad person, but really, I'm okay with that.
People shouldn't be able to hurt my dad. That should be somehow against the rules.
I wrote a much longer, and far more eloquent post on the subject earlier, but decided against posting it. I'm still not sure why. But this one seems appropriate somehow.
The day took the wind out of me. I'm emotionally exhausted and I've spent the whole of the day sleeping on the couch. I just woke up, all I intend to do is move from the couch to my bed, and continue sleeping.
I hope dad sleeps okay tonight. I hope that he's not in too much pain tomorrow.
And that, Dear Friend, is all I know.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Song of the Day
God I love Ani. This one is one of my favorites. This whole album is one of my favorites. One of my many, many favorites. Because lets face it, I love pretty much everything the woman has ever done. :P
I'm just a sucker for a good song. All sorts of them. All the days.
two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say
except fuck you...
I'm just a sucker for a good song. All sorts of them. All the days.
two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say
except fuck you...
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Song of the Day
I've had this song on a loop for days and days. A continuous, back to back kind of a loop that consumes all of my free time. Not the casual, several times a day kind of loop, but the serious, I don't want to hear anything but this song sort of thing.
This whole album is kind of emotionally loaded for me, in a way that I never really think about until I somehow remember I own it every couple of years and dredge up all sorts of strange and half forgotten memories. Memories from before SWSNBN, and the napalming of the majority of my 20's.
Of all Eminem's songs, this one is probably my favorite. Or at least the one I'm most obsessive about listening to.
I'm a soldier, these shoulders hold up so much
They won't budge, I'll never fall or fold up
I'm a soldier, even if my collar bone's crush or crumble
I will never slip or stumble
I'm a soldier, these shoulder's hold up so much
They won't budge, I'll never fall or fold up
I'm a soldier, even if my collar bone's crush or crumble
I will never stumble
This whole album is kind of emotionally loaded for me, in a way that I never really think about until I somehow remember I own it every couple of years and dredge up all sorts of strange and half forgotten memories. Memories from before SWSNBN, and the napalming of the majority of my 20's.
Of all Eminem's songs, this one is probably my favorite. Or at least the one I'm most obsessive about listening to.
I'm a soldier, these shoulders hold up so much
They won't budge, I'll never fall or fold up
I'm a soldier, even if my collar bone's crush or crumble
I will never slip or stumble
I'm a soldier, these shoulder's hold up so much
They won't budge, I'll never fall or fold up
I'm a soldier, even if my collar bone's crush or crumble
I will never stumble
The Crux.
So here it is, the crux of my problem: (or at least, the current crux, or possibly only what I believe to be the current crux, but is actually not a crux at all, or possibly something else altogether, who knows.)
I'm having trouble moving in time and space.
I feel like I've spent so long, so, so, soooooo long standing still, so many long, meaningless years, that I didn't know how to start moving again. This time last year, when I gave myself my life back again, I just sort of sprinted out of the gates without any sort of direction. Everything just felt like up, and so I ran with it. But now, now I look back on all those years of hemorrhaged time and realize that I gave up so many wonderful things, and among them was my ability to move forward meaningfully.
How do I get from here to anywhere else?
What if I just keep spinning here? Treading water? Forever?
That's what I can't sort out.
All of the other things, feeling alien, like there isn't space for people like me, people like us, in this world, is just the result of trying to grapple with the physics of it all. I'm stuck in some sort of whirlpool. I battle and battle and battle, but no matter how hard I work, I still feel like I'm circling the same place.
Maybe this is the underlying theme of everyone's late 20's. The post-college melt-down, or some such nonsense. Maybe I just don't interact enough with other people to notice that we're all fighting the same battles. Or maybe it's just me, spinning gleefully in circles, unable to determine how to get to the next phase.
I've spent all day thinking about it, and that's as far as I've gotten.
For whatever it's worth.
Today was a challenging day. I was frustrated and irritable and at times downright pissed off. The sad part is, that I feel like I got more accomplished today that I have all month. I hate that anger is such a productive force with me, it's like the whole world sees Hurricane LittleFoot coming and just starts getting shit done in the hopes that it won't level their houses. I don't know how I feel about that, but I like that a great many issues got resolved today.
Until next time,
All my love.
I'm having trouble moving in time and space.
I feel like I've spent so long, so, so, soooooo long standing still, so many long, meaningless years, that I didn't know how to start moving again. This time last year, when I gave myself my life back again, I just sort of sprinted out of the gates without any sort of direction. Everything just felt like up, and so I ran with it. But now, now I look back on all those years of hemorrhaged time and realize that I gave up so many wonderful things, and among them was my ability to move forward meaningfully.
How do I get from here to anywhere else?
What if I just keep spinning here? Treading water? Forever?
That's what I can't sort out.
All of the other things, feeling alien, like there isn't space for people like me, people like us, in this world, is just the result of trying to grapple with the physics of it all. I'm stuck in some sort of whirlpool. I battle and battle and battle, but no matter how hard I work, I still feel like I'm circling the same place.
Maybe this is the underlying theme of everyone's late 20's. The post-college melt-down, or some such nonsense. Maybe I just don't interact enough with other people to notice that we're all fighting the same battles. Or maybe it's just me, spinning gleefully in circles, unable to determine how to get to the next phase.
I've spent all day thinking about it, and that's as far as I've gotten.
For whatever it's worth.
Today was a challenging day. I was frustrated and irritable and at times downright pissed off. The sad part is, that I feel like I got more accomplished today that I have all month. I hate that anger is such a productive force with me, it's like the whole world sees Hurricane LittleFoot coming and just starts getting shit done in the hopes that it won't level their houses. I don't know how I feel about that, but I like that a great many issues got resolved today.
Until next time,
All my love.
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