I don't like that.

Words.

I have a problem with words.

I have a problem with words that I wasn't really very aware of until recently.

Or more accurately, I have a problem with the way other people use words vs. the way that I use words. Or the way that other people use and interpret words vs. the way that I use and interpret words.

And the disconnect between two sometimes causes issues that I am not always aware of.

I don't like (insert thing here), is a prime example.

A couple of months ago I spent a day with my dad, which I may have mentioned here at some point, and we had a lovely time talking about things. At some point, at the end of the day he mentioned that I am (at times) 'profoundly negative', which sent me reeling, as I think I am (particularly at this point in my life) the most positive/happy/joyful that I've ever been.

(He did later clarify that what he meant was that I spend a lot of time saying that I 'don't like' things, instead of talking about things that I do 'like'.)

Over the past couple of months I've been more and more aware of when other people are interpreting me as negative. I've been spending a lot of time trying to decode why they are getting this perception. Analyzing, and perhaps over analyzing they way that people describe things.

It is now my belief that the issue is one of semantics.

I use the phrase, 'I don't like that' a lot. And it's not because I dislike things. It's because I simply don't like them. Hence, my use of the phrase "don't like" instead of "dislike". I'm in the fuzzy area between like and dislike, emotionally neutral, I suppose, and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to express that.

"I have no opinion on that" or "I have nothing to say about that" is generally not received well by other people. This is in fact, usually received even less well than the simple "I don't like that" which is why I prefer that phrase. It's concise, and I don't come off as nearly the arrogant/elitist/aloof A-hole that I would with either o the other two phrases (or any of the slew of others that I come up with when trying to describe this place).

Now however, I am aware of the issue. Acutely aware. And my brain keeps looping on the issue. I now find myself compelled to try and explain that when I say I don't like something I don't mean that I dislike it, and the result is a long, often times ramble-y explanation that seems totally superfluous and leaves people staring back blankly at me.

I know that the literal use/interpretation of words is and ASD issue, and that it's a common reason for a lot of the communication issues I have with other people. What I can't figure out is how the neurotypical world expresses these sort of things. How on earth to you describe things that you simply don't like, but don't dislike? How do you express being neutral, neither here nor there in a way that is concise? Because I just can't seem to figure it out! I mean, I don't mind people thinking I'm negative, I guess. I don't really care one way or the other, honestly. But I am currently baffled by the thought that I've been expressing myself in an abnormal way and in doing so am encouraging some sort of miscommunication between myself and the world outside my brain.

It's a strange thing to realize.
That the words you use have a totally different meaning to other people.
That your carefully chosen words take on a totally different connotation once they leave your mouth.
Now all I want to do is play with word choice.
To figure out how other people do things, and to discover by what rules people decode subtext.

Anyway.
Tonight, after catching myself doing it yet again, I called my dad to ask his opinion. I tried my best to explain what the issue was with this phrase in particular, and instead of being helpful he was just puzzled.

He was intrigued by my explanation, and said it made a lot of sense now, in hindsight, but that he was unable to tell me how he would approach a similar situation. He is going to sleep on it and see if that offers any clarity, but I think that maybe it is just something that people do naturally, and trying to articulate it may prove impossible.

*facepalm*

That is not the answer I was looking for. But I suppose, I am pleased that Dad at least has some insight into what I mean when I use that phrase. I don't want dad thinking that my not liking things is somehow evidence of my disdain for life (of which I certainly have plenty, but I express in a different fashion).

I also like that he can now at least understand that I'm not expressing any sort of inherent dislike of said things, just a sort of apathetic neutrality. Which in truth, is how I feel about most things. Neither here nor there.

I get frustrated sometimes, when I talk.
When I am trying to explain things to other people.
Because I feel like the words that I am using are not making sense to them in the way that I want them to.
This is a perfect example of that.

Sometimes I feel like I'm speaking Spanish to a person who only understands Russian and relying on Google Translate to convey the message correctly between the two of us. All of the words sort of lose their initial meaning in the translation process, and all the subtext gets scrambled.

What's a girl to do? Lol.