Ah Dear Friend, I'm in the winter doldrums now.
It's been...actually I'm not really sure how long it's been...it's been some time now since my car died. I miss it terribly, but I am actively car hunting, now that I have amassed enough of the moneys to purchase something better than decent.
Part of me is happy that the car is gone. It was a good car. It served me well, and I have fond memories of all the places we went together. However, it was also a stark reminder of all the ways in which I allowed SWSNBN to fire bomb my life. With it gone, I have officially obliterated her, and all the things tainted by her memory, from my life.
This is a huge relief.
Actually, a much bigger one than I anticipated. I even threw away my sentimental box of things I thought I might want in the future. Sentiment be damned. I don't need those memories.
I know that is a strange thing for me to say. Particularly given my sort-of inherently pack-ratty nature, and my obsessive need to keep all the things. But you know, my life has changed so dramatically over the past year or so, and at this point I accept that some things just don't need to be held onto.
At any rate, it was very cleansing, and I feel light and happy.
In other news, I finally saw Les Mis, and as predicted I cried literally the entire time. It wasn't nearly as good as the stage version. There was less power in the words, and less feeling in the singing ((the exception of course was Anne Hathaway, who was amazing)) (which was at times, particularly bad). But you know, the bad singing lent itself well to the story, and it was visually striking. The whole thing was just a very different experience, and I love it in a totally different way. That being said, Norm Lewis will always be Javert in my mind.
I wandered around in the dark with Lapochka for hours, mostly rambling on an on about me and the state of things. You know, like I do. I rode my bike home in the dark way too late, and didn't get nearly enough sleep, but I'm totally okay with that. My head has been in the clouds all day. Possibly due to sleep deprivation. Possibly due to other distractions.
Now I am up, yet again, way past my bed time. But I miss you terribly. And writing makes me feel better. I hope your week gets better. Lots of lov.e
Little Foot, I'm so sorry that writing--literally my favorite activity of life--is something I so haphazardly get a chance to do now. It means the world to me that you post, and I wish I had just nothing but a free hour a day to write you. I miss the two hour breaks at work...those were useful. But now anytime I have a two hour break, P insists on being there. Which is both sweet and...that other thing it sounds like it might be. However, it means the world to me that you find time.
ReplyDeleteA) I love that you used "...TSNBS--that is too funny.
B) I can't BELIEVE you threw away a box of things that might make you cry/smile. I have found myself throwing away things, but in my heart I can tell that these things are of no consequence and would never remind me of anything but bad times. It's almost as if all I've done with me free time is selectively recreate a jay of my choosing, every argument with P serving to cement the good times for me. I am not nearly as romantic as I was when I was younger--a consistently broke heart has atrophied my most addictive, favorite indulgence--being in love is quite the high. However, TNTSNBS was the longest I've ever done anything. As you knew, everything about him I loved...it was everything about the way he treated me. I can't even mention his name, still, without reliving my past life. Perhaps, in time, I can dispel whole boxes of memorabilia from my life and closer as well. Until that time, my hat remains off to you.
C) Eager to see pics of what you're up to...hopefully fossil hunting when it warms up a little. You know what I was thinking? I know you don't care for growing things, but your adorable hat i think makes you a prime candidate for a community garden--is there such a thing in AZ? There's so many god damn hippies here that it's kind of a common thing. Because of the rain, people here seem far more apt to cater to their every hobby-whim.
D) Don't be distracted. Good things are coming. You're doing swimmingly. I know bc of your text that you DID get a new car--yea! I love it! Hurray! I wonder if you'll nostalgically ride the bike anyway.
E) SEE! I told you it was lackluster!!! Beyond Anne Hathaways stirring performance, the movie was overhyped and under rehearsed, I believe. Everyone dogged out Russel Crowe so hard, but I frankly was appalled at that Hugh Jackman from hem to haw--ludicrous. And you know who impressed me? Sasha Baron Cohen--really. I had no idea he had a theatre background or interest, and the movie did reinvent him for me. Didn't it seem like they really rushed through the last two acts? I thought so!!!
MUHWAH!