Logic, when intertwined with mental illness does not follow a straight path. It often doubles back upon itself. Branches out into the what-actually-happened, the what-could-have-happened, and the what-I felt-like-happened. It chases its own tail for days and days. It hyper-focuses on details, on irrelevancies, looking for clues both meaningless and otherwise. It analyzes and filters all things.
Because you can't look in at it and take a straight path from A to B doesn't mean the path isn't there and it doesn't mean the whole thing was irrational. Just that rationality is sometimes applied to things in my mind that other minds would not have applied it to.
I am a complicated system. I have a wild mess of roots beneath me. They're hard to follow from where you stand.
Because you can't get me from where you are, doesn't mean that I don't make sense. I do, just not in the same way you do.
The longer I spend in this world the more I realize that everyone else is just faking it. You are no more crazy than your friends and neighbors. Your "craziness" is really just honesty. People don't want the truth. It's messy and they have to deal with it. They much prefer the lie of normalcy. In the short time I have known you I would perhaps call you emotional, but never irrational. There is method to your madness that stems from your desire to do good. Your fault is that perhaps sometimes you stretch yourself too thin. You internalize this as a fault within yourself, but really the world is just far to big to save on your own. People in general can be callous and self serving, but never Carolyn. Sometimes this will make you a target, not because you are weak, but because you are strong. You allow yourself to feel and to love. With this comes the constant threat of disappointment, but the reward is far greater. While the "normal" people can go through their day dead inside, you have the warmth of love to sustain you. Just my $.02.
ReplyDeleteI second Brian's comment.
ReplyDeleteI am Jack's disemboweled reality; I am Jack's hollowed out body and rancid mind. I am Jack's seacow.
ReplyDeleteI am also, however, Carolyn's awesome big black cock.
Oh Mr. Archer (and Sweet Hannah too), you're such a dear dear friend. Thank you. You have no idea how much that comment meant to me.
ReplyDeleteMariah, you are and always have been my big black cock. And for that I love you more than I have words for.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Goose nearly peed herself when she read that. :P